Depression

Every year around this time something happens.  Many time's it's linked to fewer daylight hours each day, changing weather, and getting bogged down with various commitments with school, friends, family, and church.  It's easy to get overwhelmed when being pulled in 80 different directions with people and being the negative thinker I tend to be, it's easy to slip into depression.

One thing I've found to be very true this time of year, soon after the solstice, is that it takes a lot of energy to fight the onslaught of depression.  A lot of times, it takes more energy to fight it, than it would be to simply give into the pain.  Another thing that I've realized, fairly more recently, that I'm worth the fight against depression.  Last year I would have fought depression to a small degree, honestly thinking that I deserved to be depressed, and that no one would care or be affected by my depression.  What I now know is worlds different from what I used to believe.  I now know that when God says He loves me, He means it.  He doesn't mean it they way we do, where we'll say it, and throw the word "love" around so casually, without really understanding his meaning.  He really means it.  He loves me!  The creator and orchestrator of the universe loves me enough to take the time to count the number of hairs on my head.  (And he must do it often because I have a lot of hair, but I also shed a lot of hair!  Just check my hairbrush every morning!)

Knowing all this helps the fight, but it's still a fight.  It's still a fight because Satan knows my weak spots.  He knows where to hit me for maximum effect.  He knows how to wear me down and then back off, letting me think that I'm safe, so that I let my guard down, and then hit me like a mack truck.  He's smart, and he knows what hurts.  This does not negate the strength of God, however.  If anything it exemplifies it.  In scriptures is says that in our weakness, He is made strong.  I've never really understood that statement.  (2 Corinthians 12:9 BTW)  If asked to explain it, I would just be really quiet and hope someone else had an answer because I was clueless.  Now, I would explain it like this...  In areas that we are strong, or things that we are good at, it looks like it is us that's succeeding.  God's work in that area is overshadowed by our own glory.  However, in areas that we are weak, not-so-good, or not so talented, God has a chance to really shine and show His strength.

With me personally, I can think of two areas that I am weak in.  Obviously, there are many MANY more, but these are just big ones that are easily seen.  One is my fight against depression.  I'm not very good at it, and I give in easily.  The other is physical fitness.  Now, if all of the sudden I got really good in those areas, if depression was never a real fight for me, and if I suddenly had the discipline and desire to work out, eat right and get healthier, that would be a small testament to the abounding grace, and incredible strength of God.  That is because I don't have the strength to do that on my own.  I need all the help I can get.  More help than other people, even fellow brothers and sisters in Christ can give me.  Those are areas that only God can be truly effective in.

All in all, depression is a battle for me.  Joy is not easily found for me, and I'm sure it's not easy  for others as well.  But the battle is not too big for God.  God is bigger than depression.  God is bigger than the fight, He is bigger than the devil.  He will give you the strength to continue fighting the devil's blows.  He is crazy in love with us and wants to see us succeed.  All He asks in return is for us to be crazy in love with Him back, and worship Him and give me the glory He deserves.  Not an easy task for us, especially in our American culture, but it's the least that we can do!  

LT Reunion

So, last night there was a little LT reunion. Well, at least us Ball Staters had one. It would be kind of a long drive for a two hour reunion for the VT kids and WVU kids. It was really fun. Laid back. It was really nice to be reminded of all that God did for all of us over the summer. Especailly after these past few days, which have been really difficult, it was good to be reminded and encouraged of how good God is.

My mom is getting ready to go on a mission trip it Haiti on Saturday. She'll be there for a whole week. That sounds so long! Not really, but I am worried about her. Carl said it was kind of cute, the daughter being worried about mom instead of the other way around. I shouldn't be worried, I mean, she's going with a group in which, there are at least 3 people who have been there several times before, and others in the group have been there at least once. They'll watch out for her, but I'm still scared for my mommy!

So last night I had this whole list of things that I wanted to blog about, but for the life of me, I cannot remember what they are. I guess that's what I get for getting kicked out of the library. It closes at 3am, and I was there until 3 last night working on homework and various reading assignments.

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Ah! I remember something! A friend and I are doing devotions once a week together. Well, I guess it's more of a book study at this point. We're going through the book King of the Jews. It's a book about Jesus and putting Jesus in a Jewish light, because he was, after all, Jewish. In our culture and day and age, people tend to forget that little tid-bit. It's been absolutely fascinating reading this book about just how Jewish He really was. About how different things that seem so ambiguous to us today, made PERFECT sense the the Jews that actually listened to Jesus speak, and knew the cultural references He was using. My friend and I are sharing a book borrowed from another friend, and we're not even half-way through it, and he's ordered a copy for us to keep for ourselves, it's so good! Once we get our own copies, I plan on reading through the book again and underlining and making notes on what's really stuck out to me, which is a lot!

Well, that's it for now! Over and out.

Quick update...

So, there've been several things that have happened since my last update, and at the moment I cannot recall all of them. Even if I did, I don't think I would be able to sufficiently express everything that's going on as I only have about 15 minutes before I need to go.

In a nutshell, two of my really good friends got married this weekend! It was a really emotional wedding, but it was good because I got to see a lot of people that I haven't seen in a long time.

A friend and I are going to started to devotions together in an attempt to help each other, build each other up, and give each other some insight and thoughts that by ourselves, we would not have been able to come up with. To start, we are going to try to study the Old Testament in more depth in order to put the New Testament in context. We have both grown up in the church and are very familiar with the NT, and for me at least, the NT gets really old when you hear the same passage over and over and over and over again, so I really think that by being more knowledgeable with the OT, it will make the NT come alive again! I'm excited about it, and I think my friend is too!

Another friend of mine has introduced me to the world of the Heorot(sp?), which is a bar downtown, but not a club-ish bar. It's really fun, and I'm enjoying it so far!

Well, I think that will suffice for now. I'll try to get back on and update further, and give the anecdote's a fuller context and better explain the story, but knowing how I blog, I can't guarantee anything! Let me know if there's anything you need prayer for!

Love

Turning on God

I was doing devotions tonight starting in Jeremiah.  I've been wanting for a long time to do a study on the Old Testament.  I think it'll make the New Testament come alive.  Having been raised in the church, there are some passages that I've heard more times than I care to count and when I read or hear them again, I get in this mindset of "I've heard this all before, there's nothing more I can get out of it..."  It's a hard mindset to get out of, but I think if I'm more familiar with the OT, finding new things in those passages will be much easier.

Jeremiah chapter one was encouraging.  It's basically the call of the prophet Jeremiah, hence the name of the book, and a basic summary of what I'm assuming the rest of the book will be.  There were several verses that had sayings that I've heard many many many times, but never really read in context or given a second thought.  Verses 5, 8, 10, and 19 really stuck out.

Chapter 2 was really different.  It dove right into the anger and frustration that God felt toward His people for abandoning Him.  What was interesting was that around verse 32, the tone and mood shifted from one of angry frustration, to one of hurt, and pain.  God was hurt that His people, whom He had brought out of Egypt and given so much to had turned their back on Him.  And who could blame Him?  The shift in tone made me think of all the times I've turned my back on God.  It gave me one of those pangs in my stomach that happen only in times of extreme regret.  Makes me want to be very intentional about staying close to God and not falling or drifting away, and turning my back on Him.  

In order to do that, I need to have a stronger, and more consistent prayer-life and quiet time.  My prayer life has improved tremendously since LT.  I feel like I'm in almost a constant state of prayer.  When something goes on I don't like, I don't hold it in and let it fester, I pray about it, and then if the need is still there, I talk to someone about it.  Quiet times, on the other hand, are slightly more difficult, but just as necessary.  During prayer time, it is mostly me talking to God.  While He can respond in a number of different ways, comments by other people, epiphanies, a certain song coming on the radio or my iPod, and so on, one way that God speaks to me a lot, is through scripture.

It's so easy to forget all that God's done for us.  In order to not take His mercy for granted, we should also be very intentional about watching for what He does for us on a daily basis.  This is difficult, I know, but as we practice it more, it will happen.  I'm trying to make a habit of whenever something good happens, or some kind of a breakthrough that I've been working towards, to give God the credit for it.  This not only keeps Him central, and makes sure that He remains first and foremost, but it also keep my humility in check.  Even though I no longer live in a pit of self-hatred, I still know that no good thing that happens is solely because of me.  If anything, it had nothing to do with me, but God's love and mercy coming to my rescue.

In closing, please be praying that I can remember to watch for God's working in my life, and also so that I can be a blessing to those around me.  I would also like to ask that you remember my family in Detroit area.  I do not know the person, but one of the people up there committed suicide, and I know several people who are now dealing with the aftermath of that.  Let me know what you need prayer for!

A lesson in patience

A lot's been going on these past two weeks with the influx of school and all that comes with it... homework... schoolwork... drama... meetings... and so on.  As I was sitting through my first few days of classes, I realized how stressful this semester will be.  Especially since I will be trying not to be so lackadaisical about my work, but actually strive for excellence.  This semester would be stressful just doing the minimum, but actually doing my best is going to be extremely difficult.

The situation with my roommates seems to be improving... kinda.  I don't think I've really written much about my roommies on here, but suffice to say that the relationship with them is complex.  There's almost always drama of some sort going on, which is one of the reasons last year was so difficult.  One thing I am going to try to do differently is that, when something bothers me, to talk about it.  To get it out in the open as soon as possible and not let it fester for days/weeks/month's sometimes.  Hopefully that will help things.

Last Sunday I started helping out with the sound team at Revo.  It was kinda scary, I felt like a little kid playing with very big, very EXPENSIVE toys that could easily break.  It turned out okay though.  There were a few people who knew what they were doing, so that helped out a lot.  I think it'll be a good experience.

There is one thing that has stuck out in my mind as far as things I've learned over the past week(ish), and that is patience.  I think that God is working through the fruits of the spirit with me, found in Galatians 5.  Over the summer, he taught me about love.  Loving others, loving Him, loving myself, then, with that love, I learned about joy, and also, the peace that comes with walking with God.  Now, He's working with me on patience.  This is the hardest one yet.  The other day, however, I had an epiphany, that is that patience is not necessarily waiting for God, or someone else to do something, but it is trusting God, that He knows what He's doing, and that He has the best interests for me in mind.  That's a big lesson, and a painfully obvious one, you'd think.  I don't necessarily think that I'll get through all the fruits of the spirit, or that if I do, I'll never struggle with them again, but I'm glad that God is doing what He's doing.

Well, I think that's it for now.  Let me know how I can be praying for you!

Picturing God as a caped super-hero...

These past two or three days have been somewhat of a silent struggle.  The buzz of LT is definitely gone, (I think I mentioned this in my previous post) but I'm continuing to fight for the joy I received during LT.  I've never really thought about fighting for joy, but I guess it does make sense.  The way I think of it at least, I've always thought of joy as a choice.  It's not an emotion like happiness, so, it's also a lot more stable.  It will be there no matter what the circumstances are around you.  

So, back to the past few days... I've felt myself slipping back to the person I was before LT.  Always depressed, or at the least, fighting depression, feeling down about myself, blaming myself for everything that goes wrong, not thinking that I'm worthy of love from anyone.  Today it was getting bad, so, as a solution, I made a conscience effort to spend an extended quiet time with God.  I started off like I usually start my quiet times, just sitting silently, giving God a chance to speak to me, or lay something on my heart to bring to Him.  Then I just started crying out to God, asking Him to take away what was causing me to slip back to the person I was.  I went through the cycle of asking Him to comfort me, take away my stumbling block, and/or otherwise be with me several times when I finally picked up my Bible and started reading in Psalms.  Specifically Psalms 18.  I read the whole chapter, but it was verses 1-19 that really stuck out.  This is the part that David first talks about how much he loves God, then he cries out to Him, asking for help.  The next part depicts God in an almost superhero light... swooping down from Heaven, and shaking the very foundations of the earth in order to grab David out of his troubles, and out of his enemies reach, and places him on safe, solid ground.

When I read this passage, I picture God setting in His throne room in Heaven, being pampered and worshiped by angels and other beings I can't even begin to describe, and He hears a cry, that only He can hear, and immediately, He jumps up from His throne and shoves angels, and other beings out of His way, leaves Heaven, and with a look of angry determination, He swoops down to Earth, spewing fire, and lighting, so much so that every body of water on earth is vaporized.  Somehow, David, or me, whoever I picture at the moment, in this case me, remains unscathed.  He reaches down and grabs me out of the muddy, murky, water that still remains and holds me close to His chest.  He then gently sets me down on safe, solid land and tells me how much He loves me.  I love verse 19 in this passage.  The English Standard Version puts it this way:  "He brought me out to a broad place; He rescued me because He delighted in me."  Even though I don't normally like the Message translation, I also looked up that passage in that version as well, and I also love verse 19 in the Message:  "He stood me up in a wide-open field; I stood there saved, surprised to be loved!"

Being the visual person that I am, I loved this section.  Psalm 18:1-19.  Whatever you're doing right now, you should stop it, and read this passage.  I promise you, you won't regret it!

Back Home in Indiana

I've been back in Indiana for a few weeks now, bouncing back and forth between Anderson and Muncie.  (They are only about  1/2 an hour away from each other, so therefore, I am able to do that.)  Anyway, it's been a mixture of emotions being back.  I don't think it really hit me that LT was over until Kristy, Ellie and I pulled into Muncie.  It was kind of surreal.  It's been nice to see my family and my friends that did not go to LT, but I do miss my friends at VT and WVU.

The LT buzz is kind of wearing off, but I'm really trying and praying to keep the joy that I found at LT going.  I'm trying to stay strong in my walk with God and remain focused on him.  It's been harder here than it was at LT, but that's no surprise at all.  I'm hanging out with more people than just my roommates this year, which I think will make things easier.  At the same time though, there are days when I don't know if I can make it another year in Winderemere.

Today is one of those days.

I'm going to try to get back in the habit of blogging and journaling.  Hopefully with my blogs you'll be able to tell there's a difference in me, and also be able to keep me accountable on the things I say.  That's it for now.  Let me know how I can be praying for you!  Love