What's the deal here?

I'm seriously starting to wonder if there's something really wrong with me. There's a line in a Jars of Clay song called Jealous Kind that goes "I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar/Than be broken by a love I don't understand..." I never really understood that line until last year when I was struggling with SAD and dealing with the self-esteem issues I've harbored since I was a kid. Now it seems that with every new struggle I encounter, that line becomes deeper and deeper with meaning.

Why do I cling to what hurts when I know what I need to do to alleviate the pain? I feel like God has been showing me all sorts of reasons why I need to change what I'm doing, but I still can't seem to find the motivation to do so. I see girls around me struggling with the same issues, and I know that if I'm going to help them, I need to deal with my own issue. Take the log out of my own eye so that I can better help others with the speck in theirs, if you will.

I want to go into full-time ministry eventually. I probably won't be for another several years, 3-4 to be more exact, but still, if I'm going to go into ministry for the specific purpose of helping and discipling the young women in my church, I need to have the discipline to handle my own heart, heart issues, and romance issues. I feel like if I want to go into ministry, I shouldn't be struggling with the things I struggle with on a day to day basis. Struggles such as guarding my heart and setting emotional boundaries, doubting God's love for me and for humanity as well, my apathetic attitude toward God Himself, my doubt of the power and influence of prayer, just to name a few.

Tonight is weird because I'm not as depressed as I would be had what happened tonight happened last week or something. I'm finding that as long as "the boy" treats me like something other than a friend, I'm fine with the situation. But when we don't interact, talk, hang out as much, or when he generally doesn't treat me the way he normally does, is when I get down about stuff. Right now, I feel like things are going well. We are friends, and I'm fine with that. I'm glad I didn't give him the letter I almost did ending our friendship because, honestly, I value it. At the same time, I know that I'm playing with fire. I'm being an idiot, but I don't want to stop. With the exception of my mom, pretty much everyone I've been talking to about the situation, I've been pulling away from. There are various reasons for that which I won't delve into just now, but hopefully soon. Nevertheless, the fact that I've been talking to them less, has not helped. Maybe they are pulling away from me... I can't say I would blame them. If I were in their shoes I probably would too. I just wish I would have the desire, discipline, or motivation to do what I need to do. It certainly doesn't help that the more isolated I become, in that the more I drift away from other people, the closer I get to him.

What's it gonna take? Why can't I be fine just being friends? Why do I want something more? Do I always want what I can't have? What's the deal here?

I think the most confusing thing is that tonight, even though we didn't talk much at all, we both studied and were rather productive, I'm not down in the dumps that he didn't pay much attention to me. I kinda feel guilty that I wasn't more productive, but overall, tonight was a good study night.

One thing that would help tremendously is if I made plans with other people at night. Because that's when I see him the most. The problem is, not many people are night people. Especially this time of year when school is going on. The thought of class looming in the morning hours only a short time away, is enough for most college students to get to bed before 3:30 in the morning. Maybe if there was a study party or something... Something to keep me busy, and not with him... I don't want to ask people to change their schedules around for me though... I'd almost rather destroy myself than ask others to inconvenience themselves by helping me.

Broken

Whether or not I can say this and still keep my dignity intact, I'm not sure, but I really like the band Lifehouse, particularly this song, Broken. I think the video is a really good example of how oblivious people are to others around them. The lyrics are great because it of how it portrays how crazy things can get all the time, and how people second guess everything, and realize how fragile people are.

The second verse, I can especially relate to. "The broken locks were a warning/You got inside my head/I tried my best to be guarded/I'm an open book instead." So many times I try to be guarded, and don't let everyone see everything that's going on inside me, but because I'm not very good at setting emotional boundaries, what usually happens is that I will either not let someone in at all, or I give them an all-access pass, and I never shut up. Either that, or I don't let anyone in at all, and hold everything in, until everything spills over the threshold of my inner bottle.

The chorus seems like a prayer I could offer to God just about everyday. To me, it portrays a hurting, broken person trying to hang on to the last shred of hope they have... God.

I guess this song could be categorized as a modern-day Psalm. Yeah, I'm sure it's been flowered and romanticized to some degree, but more than that, it still has the feel of honest desperation, and not wanting to give up hope.

There's so much I want to say, but I don't even know where to start.

What is reasonable to ask for in a friend? What are the qualities that make someone trustworthy? When do you say enough is enough, and cut the ties?

A few weeks ago, I was ready to end one of my closest friendships because of factors outside of both of our realms of control. I just couldn't take it anymore. I had a letter written, revised, and rewritten, and was about to give it to this person.

Out of the blue, another one of my closest friends comes to me and says she mad at me. She won't tell me why, just that she's mad. Both of us are extremely busy, and so we couldn't really talk at all until late that night. Even then, it was online. The talk did not go well. We both said things that hurt the other, and in the end, all ounces of trust, at least on my side, were gone. Broken. In the matter of a day, I went from being really good friends with the person, to not friends at all.

So now, back to the person I was going to intentionally end the friendship with... I couldn't do it. I couldn't lose two of my closest friends like that. Since that incident, the person I was going to give the letter that ended our friendship, has become my closest, and my most trusted friend. My "best friend" per se, even though I despise that title and don't generally give it to people.

In a normal situation, I wouldn't think anything of this. But this is not a normal situation. My closest friend is a guy, which would be fine if I had other close friends who were girls. Unfortunately I don't have other close friends that are girls. There are girls that I want to open up to, and let them in, but I hold back, and build my walls up even higher, and even thicker, wondering, if I let them in now, and let them see the not-so-pretty-parts of who I am, how will they use that against me later on? How will they use weaker areas of who I am to use, manipulate, and trample all over me for their own gain? Then leave me beaten, broken, helpless and alone?

I guess I should be glad that I have someone that I trust, and can talk to about how stuff is going, and not have to make it flowery, or candycoat it. Male or female, not everyone has that. And don't get me wrong, I love this person's friendship, and I'm not going to give it up easily. I value this person's opinions, thoughts, the little ways he helps me out when I need an extra boost, his friendship overall. Even with his friendship though, I find myself holding back, for fear of how I may be hurt later on.

How is that stories written several thousand years ago are still relevant and helpful today?

There have been several blogs that I have written in the month since my last post, but for one reason or another, I have deemed them too personal to publish.

A lot has been happening. Well, maybe not a lot, but enough to make the last month a long one. The most notable issue, being the loss of one of my best friends. I'm not exactly sure what happened, suffice to say that we got in a pretty big fight, and hurtful comments were thrown around on both sides, so no, I am not completely innocent in the situation. Nevertheless, my trust in this person has been broken.

I thought that because of that situation, my trust issues, and my walls were going to come back with vengeance, and that I would have an even harder time trusting people, especially girls, which is already a huge struggle I have. The trust issues, did come back, but not in the way I thought they would. I thought it would be women in general I would have a hard time trusting, but instead, it was the people I had already let in. The people who had already earned my trust that I had a hard time believing they would not use that trust and confidence against me.

This past weekend was Revo's annual Women's Retreat. This year, the theme was "Breaking Down Walls". Ironic, I know... I didn't really know what to expect going into this retreat, or if God would even show up, but as God seems to like to do, he proved me wrong. Leah Chandler talked about Joshua, and the toppling of the fortress city of Jericho. We focused on Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

During our quiet time on Saturday before lunch, I continued my devotions in Genesis. I'm reading about Joseph now, which is a story that I am intimately familiar with, but I read anyway, despite the temptation to skip over it. That day I was reading about when Joseph was in Potipher's house, and was framed by Potipher's wife, who was accusing him of attempted rape. Of course, Potipher threw Joseph in prison.

I was thinking about what Joseph may have been thinking about in that underground prison... how every time he hits a new low, as soon as things look up, the new low reaches even lower. Think about it, he had been taken by his brothers, thrown in a pit and left for dead, then they brought him out only to sell him into slavery. He was purchased by an Egyptian, and as soon as Joseph had gained the Egyptians trust, the wife falsely accuses him of trying to sleep with her, then he's thrown into prison! I can just picture Joseph praying to God in that cell "Where are you? Why did you allow this? Why is this happening?" because we know, Joseph didn't go to Sunday school with us, he doesn't know what's going to happen next, and the position of power he will soon be in. All he knows is that his family betrayed him, is employer/owner threw him out, and now he's sitting in a deep, dark, damp prison in a foreign land, wondering what's going to go wrong next. I can just see God, whispering in His infamously still small voice... "I'm not done with you yet, I'm still writing your story, just trust me and don't give up... be strong and courageous..."

I was amazed at how this story, that I've heard since I was a little kid, could still effect me and help me this much. As hard as the past few weeks/month's have been, I'm going to try to be strong and courageous with God's help. I'm going to trust that he's still writing my story, and I'm not going to give up.

The Power of Prayer

Over the past few days/weeks/month's I've been thinking a lot about the power of prayer. While I know that there is great power in that simple act, I can't deny that sometime's it's hard to really believe it. I've seen first hand how powerful prayer can be, especailly when you have many people coming together in unity to pray for a single thing. At the same time, for every prayer that I've seen answered in ways bigger than I ever could have imagined, I've also seen many MANY smaller prayers, and smaller requests, simply go unanswered. I've been asking myself of late; Do I really believe what I say I believe about prayer? Am I truely conversing with the Almighty? The Orchestrator of the universe? The Sovereign and All-knowing? The Passionate Lover of me?

I've seen God work. I know He influences individuals. I, myself, have experienced His power in an extreme physical healing, and have seen Him heal others.

At the same time, I've seen Him seemly turn a cold shoulder to the needs of some. Fervant and persistent prayers seem to go unanswered. What do I say to this? What do I say to my friend who's struggling with something that, despite faithful prayers, doesn't seem to get any better?

In my head, I know all the right answers I'm supposed to tell myself when I wonder these things, but do I really believe them, or am I just making excuses for God?

Do I really believe all that I say I do about the power of prayer?

More thoughts on Capital Lights

Upon further analysis and conversations about the one of my new favorite bands, Capital Lights, I think a major reason I like them so much is because much of their album is ANGRY!  And not just any kind of angry, it's angry at romance!  And relationships!  It's bitter, and cynical, and in some parts, really depressing in it's attitudes towards romance.  I LOVE IT!  Perhaps because of my dealings with romance, or lack thereof.

The musical style is punk/pop, which I don't hate, but don't normally gravitate towards.  I think this should be further evidence that I am more drawn to lyrics in music, than the music itself.  The beat, or melody may initially get my attention, but unless the lyrics are good, or in this case, relatable, I will lose interest fairly quickly.  Anyway, that's all I've got.  I hope you go to youtube or something and check Capital Lights out.  Listen, really listen to the lyrics on the song "Outrage".  You'll get what I'm saying.

Mile Away

I'm a mile away from where I belong and I'm a mile away from home
I'm lying awake at the thought of you gone, and I'm a mile away from home

On top of the world he thought, let down when he hit the spot
dead stare in the mirror as he drove
Had room for warming up, he got cold feet so he had to run
to a city with a history of love
knowing she relies on me but I'm on my way to an unpredicted fall
feet under the covers now, lips sealed tight till I hear a sound
the sound of a soon redeeming call

Now I know I never dreamed to be a movie star but I'm hiding in the Hollywood hills 
I've learned regret from a cowards mouth wouldn't let her know how I feel
Held up and I'm stuck in line, can barely get around on the 405
headed downtown in a half-full automobile
now but deep inside I see the light, I'm a runaway victim left alone
at night though you lay so far, we both stare out at the same old stars 
wishing for direction where to go

Oh but I could never forget the guilty look in your eyes at the end
I walk the line like a merry-go-round, thought I learned but I lost you again
And all at once if the world stops spinning maybe you could let me in
Oh but I could never forget the guilty look in your eyes at the end

Wow, I didn't even realize that it's been about a month and a half since I've posted on here.  I really should work on updating more often.  There have been a lot of things that I've thought about posting on here in the past month and a half, but I've talked myself out of it because of the things being way to personal to post online for anyone in the world to see.  There are several people that I know for sure who read my blogs, and those are generally the people that I wouldn't mind reading my personal thoughts, because I would like their insight on them, but I don't know who else reads it, and I don't want anyone and everyone to know anything and everything that is going on in my head.

So, one thing I can write about that's not oober personal, is the song lyrics posted above, and the album from which they came.  The song above is called Mile Away and is probably one of my favorite songs on the album This is an Outrage by the band Capital Lights.  This band is a fairly new band, they've done some other stuff under different names that I have not heard, but according to various internet sites, the style is very different.  I really like the album This is an Outrage.  It's a fun album to listen to, but upon closer examination of the lyrics, one would find much deeper feelings and meanings hidden beneath the upbeat musicality.

On another note, I miss all my Muncie people.  It appears that there will be no meeting for Revo this Sunday morning which makes me very sad.  I'm excited to get back and see everyone again!