What's the deal here?

I'm seriously starting to wonder if there's something really wrong with me. There's a line in a Jars of Clay song called Jealous Kind that goes "I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar/Than be broken by a love I don't understand..." I never really understood that line until last year when I was struggling with SAD and dealing with the self-esteem issues I've harbored since I was a kid. Now it seems that with every new struggle I encounter, that line becomes deeper and deeper with meaning.

Why do I cling to what hurts when I know what I need to do to alleviate the pain? I feel like God has been showing me all sorts of reasons why I need to change what I'm doing, but I still can't seem to find the motivation to do so. I see girls around me struggling with the same issues, and I know that if I'm going to help them, I need to deal with my own issue. Take the log out of my own eye so that I can better help others with the speck in theirs, if you will.

I want to go into full-time ministry eventually. I probably won't be for another several years, 3-4 to be more exact, but still, if I'm going to go into ministry for the specific purpose of helping and discipling the young women in my church, I need to have the discipline to handle my own heart, heart issues, and romance issues. I feel like if I want to go into ministry, I shouldn't be struggling with the things I struggle with on a day to day basis. Struggles such as guarding my heart and setting emotional boundaries, doubting God's love for me and for humanity as well, my apathetic attitude toward God Himself, my doubt of the power and influence of prayer, just to name a few.

Tonight is weird because I'm not as depressed as I would be had what happened tonight happened last week or something. I'm finding that as long as "the boy" treats me like something other than a friend, I'm fine with the situation. But when we don't interact, talk, hang out as much, or when he generally doesn't treat me the way he normally does, is when I get down about stuff. Right now, I feel like things are going well. We are friends, and I'm fine with that. I'm glad I didn't give him the letter I almost did ending our friendship because, honestly, I value it. At the same time, I know that I'm playing with fire. I'm being an idiot, but I don't want to stop. With the exception of my mom, pretty much everyone I've been talking to about the situation, I've been pulling away from. There are various reasons for that which I won't delve into just now, but hopefully soon. Nevertheless, the fact that I've been talking to them less, has not helped. Maybe they are pulling away from me... I can't say I would blame them. If I were in their shoes I probably would too. I just wish I would have the desire, discipline, or motivation to do what I need to do. It certainly doesn't help that the more isolated I become, in that the more I drift away from other people, the closer I get to him.

What's it gonna take? Why can't I be fine just being friends? Why do I want something more? Do I always want what I can't have? What's the deal here?

I think the most confusing thing is that tonight, even though we didn't talk much at all, we both studied and were rather productive, I'm not down in the dumps that he didn't pay much attention to me. I kinda feel guilty that I wasn't more productive, but overall, tonight was a good study night.

One thing that would help tremendously is if I made plans with other people at night. Because that's when I see him the most. The problem is, not many people are night people. Especially this time of year when school is going on. The thought of class looming in the morning hours only a short time away, is enough for most college students to get to bed before 3:30 in the morning. Maybe if there was a study party or something... Something to keep me busy, and not with him... I don't want to ask people to change their schedules around for me though... I'd almost rather destroy myself than ask others to inconvenience themselves by helping me.

Broken

Whether or not I can say this and still keep my dignity intact, I'm not sure, but I really like the band Lifehouse, particularly this song, Broken. I think the video is a really good example of how oblivious people are to others around them. The lyrics are great because it of how it portrays how crazy things can get all the time, and how people second guess everything, and realize how fragile people are.

The second verse, I can especially relate to. "The broken locks were a warning/You got inside my head/I tried my best to be guarded/I'm an open book instead." So many times I try to be guarded, and don't let everyone see everything that's going on inside me, but because I'm not very good at setting emotional boundaries, what usually happens is that I will either not let someone in at all, or I give them an all-access pass, and I never shut up. Either that, or I don't let anyone in at all, and hold everything in, until everything spills over the threshold of my inner bottle.

The chorus seems like a prayer I could offer to God just about everyday. To me, it portrays a hurting, broken person trying to hang on to the last shred of hope they have... God.

I guess this song could be categorized as a modern-day Psalm. Yeah, I'm sure it's been flowered and romanticized to some degree, but more than that, it still has the feel of honest desperation, and not wanting to give up hope.