Something Heavenly

I think God may have been trying to tell me something on my way back to Muncie from Anderson.  Twice, within about 20 minutes, I heard this song on the radio...

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

____________________________________________________

Over the past few weeks/month's, I've learned a lot about stuff that I thought I already knew.  Love and hate for example; I thought that neither one were emotions and that you could control them if you just tried hard enough.  Now I know it's not quite that simple.  Yes, there is some degree of choice to each, but there's also a degree of emotion.  It's not so easy to control either one when faced with such an emotional overload.

What I think God was trying to tell me while driving back to Muncie, is to let go to the love/hate maelstrom that's been raging inside me.  Knowing me, it will be hard to let it go, just because I tend to cling to emotions.  I'm not saying that I'm emo or anything, I just tend to be very apathetic about things, so when I do have an emotional response to something, I tend to cling to that emotion, that feeling, that presents itself so rarely.  More than that though, I just have a hard time letting go, letting God take control because I like to have control.  I don't mind advice and guidance, but I have a hard time just letting go of the reins and let someone else drive.

Anyway, I digress... sort of... So yeah, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm going to attempt to let go of what's been going on, and surrender.  I know I've always had a hard time with this in the past, and that will probably hold true now.  I don't really know what else to say, so please just be praying for me and let me know what you need prayer for as well!

Roommates, Money, Classes, and Boys

I can't believe it's almost been a month since I've written anything on here.  Not that it really makes much of a difference, I don't think many people read this anyway.  Those of you who do, thanks for your undying devotion!

Okay, so maybe it hasn't been a month, but it seems like it has been.  The past few weeks have been hard.  Between roommate problems, financial stresses, class load, and heartbreak, it's been hard to be cheerful and happy.

I think one of my roommates and I officially are not speaking.  I shake my head at the whole thing because my other two roommates and I all get along great.  We all take from each other, but we all give back too.  We work together on things and if we get mad at each other, we talk about it and work it out.  With the one with whom I'm not speaking, it seems like I give and give and give but never get anything back.  I tried talking to her about what's been bothering me, and granted I could have gone about it better, but even when I do try to talk to her kindly about what's going on, the wall, and the defenses go up, and nothing gets through.  The only thing I get out out of her are angry comebacks and stinging comments.  I tried to be nice about it this time, but I was so tired of dealing with it, and knowing how she was going to react, the patience did not last long.

I've been trying to find a job since getting back from LT.  I really thought that it would not be that hard to get a job, especailly in a grocery store since I had deli experience, and I would have all these amazing references of people who I had worked with, but I did have a hard time.  I applied all over Muncie, anywhere that had applications, and for weeks on one called me back, even after repeated follow-up calls from me.  Finally I went around again, this time offering seasonal help.  Lane Bryant finally called me back and offered me an interview.  The interview went well, but they were in no hurry to call me back and hire me.  After two weeks of hounding them about hiring me, they called me in to get me into the system, I asked when they would schedule me, and they said probably not until the day after thanksgiving.   Grrrr.... so my financial woes are not over yet....

Classes are going well.  It's stressful though because it's getting to the end of the year, and the work is piling up as far as final projects go.  There is one class in particular, I'm not sure if we're going to have time for a final project.  We should have started it two weeks ago, but we haven't even talked about it, and we have another assignment due at the beginning of december, which will leave us two weeks for a final project...  Ahhhhhhh......

Last but certainly not least is the issue of heartbreak.  So, there was this guy that I really REALLY liked that I met at LT.  I wasn't attracted to him at first, just because I barely knew him.  I'm not usually attracted to people right off the bat, but over time, I grow to like them.  This is what happened with him.  As I got to know him, I started to like him.  REALLY LIKE him.  The attraction grew for a while, then suddenly, I got over it.  I didn't dislike him, I still thought of him as a friend, but I wasn't attracted to him for a while.  After a few weeks though, the attraction came back, and it came back with a vengeance!  It never died this time.  About two month's after LT I told him that I liked him, hoping that he reciprocated those feelings.  After a month of no feedback, I brought it up again.  It turns out that he does not like me, and the next few days, even now, have been hard.  I really thought that he did like me, but I guess not.  I hope we can still be friends.  I think we can anyway, I'll just need time.

Anyway, so that's my life in a nutshell.  Prayers/words of encouragement would be appreciated!  Let me know what you need prayer for too!

Love

Belle

Yesterday was a long, rough day. It wasn't even classes or drama that made it rough, even though they certainly did not help. What made it rough was a phone call that came around 7:00 in the evening. I was in open lab working on a draping assignment and my mom calls. She asked me a bunch of weird questions that told me something was wrong. Finally, she told me that Belle, the family dog, died earlier that afternoon.

We got Belle as a puppy from a breeder near our home in Chalmers. She was a mixed breed of border collie (mom) and collie (dad). As she lived with us longer, we learned that she was terrified of thunderstorms, loved to play ball, hearded squirrels and kids in the neighborhood, and was very protective of my family, especailly Katie and me. Later that year, in late fall, early winter, we left for a family vacation to Florida to see my grandparents. When we left, the weather was still dry, and a few degrees above freezing. As is typical in Indiana, when we came back there was snow and ice everywhere. That was the first time Belle experienced ice. I remember laughing with my brother and sister as we watched her bolt out of the garage and slipped and slid down the icy driveway. I don't remember exactly, but I'm sure that being the loving affectionate family we were, we went down and got her from the end of the driveway and led her inside to warm her up and make sure there were no serious injuries.

The house in Chalmers was also where she became very afraid of any floors without carpet. A fear she never grew out of.

A few years later we moved from Chalmers to Anderson. We didn't have a fence at our new house yet, so we took Belle to my grandparents house, who lived nearby. She lived in a horse trailor for about a week, and got a taste of what life outside a fence was like.

After officially moving into our new home on Hartman Rd in Anderson, Belle had a whole new enviornment to explore and bark at. In fact, that's all she seemed to do for the first month or so. She still continued to bark at the cars speeding down Hartman and the neighbor kids playing badmitton.

A few more years past and my sister decided she wanted a dog of her own. After talking to my parents and convincing them that it was a good idea, they finally agreed and found an adorable little terrier puppy, soon to be named Tucker, and brought him home. Gone were Belle's days of being the only dog and the center of attention all the time. She adjusted well though, after nipping at Tucker a few times to make sure he knew that she was the alpha in that pack.

There was a big difference between how Belle felt towards Tucker, and how Tucker felt towards Belle. This was evidant when one of them would be gone for whatever reason, such as a vet appointment, or a meeting with the groomer. When Tucker was gone, Belle would sprawl out in the backyard and just enjoy the peace and quiet of having the backyard to herself again. Tucker on the other hand, when Belle was gone, would run to my parents room, where he could see the front driveway and lie there and with in anxious anticipation until Belle returned. We concluded that Belle thought of Tucker mostly as an annoyance she had to put up with, while Tucker thought of Belle as a big sister who would look out for him!

Fast forward another couple years and you'll find us in the midst of another move, this time, to another part of Anderson, but a much more rural part. Our new house had 7 whole acres for Belle and Tucker to explore. It also didn't have all the territorial bounderies that Belle and Tucker had disputes over with subtle growles and occasional nips at each other when they thought we weren't looking. They were able to start fresh, and because of that, they were able to tolerate each other more, er... Belle was able to tolerate Tucker more!

Just when she thought she was set in her ways, my brother decides he wants a dog of his own too! At first he was set on having a beagle, and only a beagle. But then we found a hound dog that needed a family or would be sent to the pound. Mike couldn't resist and he took the Tennessee hound dog instead. Belle was sitting on the hill looking at Tucker and the new roommate/yardmate romp together. You could see in her eyes "he's not staying... please tell me he's not staying..." But he was. Soon, Mike decided to name him Duke. She had to learn all over again to share what was once just hers and Tucker's, but this time it was easier, and before long, it didn't make much of a difference.

I don't really know what spurred this decision, but one day, we decided that Belle didn't need to live inside the fence with the boys, so she was allowed out, and permitted to roam free around the yard. At first the boys did not like it one bit, and she knew it! She would taunt them by walking near the fence so they could see her outside and they were stuck inside the fence!

Being out in the country, we soon had a pretty servere mouse problem. Since Duke and Tucker were both afraid of the tiny rodants, and Belle wasn't really close enough to the house enough to care, our solution was to get some cats to take care of the problem. At first the cats were afraid and skiddish around Belle, but then they realized that she just wanted to play with them, and they let her. She was, after all, a puppy at heart in a 15(ish) year-old dog's body.

She spent the last few years of her life roaming free around our property, playing with the cats, trying to heard them, and playing ball and frisbee with us whenever she could. Even though she had a hard time walking, let alone running, she still LOVED to play! Her body became older, and less agile, but her mentality remained that of a young puppy.

Belle was around 17 years old when she died. We don't know for sure, but we're pretty sure she was losing her hearing as we had to call her several times before she would respond, even when she was right in front of us. She had pretty severe artheritus in all her limbs which slowed her down considerably as she grew older. She was, however, still the happy puppy at heart we knew in Chalmers. The occasional glimpeses we were allowed of the puppy in her were rare, but valueable. She was a fighter and lived each day just as she would have if she were a puppy. She died peacefully in our front yard in one of her favorite spots to sunbathe when it was colder, and lie in the shade in the summer.

I miss you Belle!

Depression

Every year around this time something happens.  Many time's it's linked to fewer daylight hours each day, changing weather, and getting bogged down with various commitments with school, friends, family, and church.  It's easy to get overwhelmed when being pulled in 80 different directions with people and being the negative thinker I tend to be, it's easy to slip into depression.

One thing I've found to be very true this time of year, soon after the solstice, is that it takes a lot of energy to fight the onslaught of depression.  A lot of times, it takes more energy to fight it, than it would be to simply give into the pain.  Another thing that I've realized, fairly more recently, that I'm worth the fight against depression.  Last year I would have fought depression to a small degree, honestly thinking that I deserved to be depressed, and that no one would care or be affected by my depression.  What I now know is worlds different from what I used to believe.  I now know that when God says He loves me, He means it.  He doesn't mean it they way we do, where we'll say it, and throw the word "love" around so casually, without really understanding his meaning.  He really means it.  He loves me!  The creator and orchestrator of the universe loves me enough to take the time to count the number of hairs on my head.  (And he must do it often because I have a lot of hair, but I also shed a lot of hair!  Just check my hairbrush every morning!)

Knowing all this helps the fight, but it's still a fight.  It's still a fight because Satan knows my weak spots.  He knows where to hit me for maximum effect.  He knows how to wear me down and then back off, letting me think that I'm safe, so that I let my guard down, and then hit me like a mack truck.  He's smart, and he knows what hurts.  This does not negate the strength of God, however.  If anything it exemplifies it.  In scriptures is says that in our weakness, He is made strong.  I've never really understood that statement.  (2 Corinthians 12:9 BTW)  If asked to explain it, I would just be really quiet and hope someone else had an answer because I was clueless.  Now, I would explain it like this...  In areas that we are strong, or things that we are good at, it looks like it is us that's succeeding.  God's work in that area is overshadowed by our own glory.  However, in areas that we are weak, not-so-good, or not so talented, God has a chance to really shine and show His strength.

With me personally, I can think of two areas that I am weak in.  Obviously, there are many MANY more, but these are just big ones that are easily seen.  One is my fight against depression.  I'm not very good at it, and I give in easily.  The other is physical fitness.  Now, if all of the sudden I got really good in those areas, if depression was never a real fight for me, and if I suddenly had the discipline and desire to work out, eat right and get healthier, that would be a small testament to the abounding grace, and incredible strength of God.  That is because I don't have the strength to do that on my own.  I need all the help I can get.  More help than other people, even fellow brothers and sisters in Christ can give me.  Those are areas that only God can be truly effective in.

All in all, depression is a battle for me.  Joy is not easily found for me, and I'm sure it's not easy  for others as well.  But the battle is not too big for God.  God is bigger than depression.  God is bigger than the fight, He is bigger than the devil.  He will give you the strength to continue fighting the devil's blows.  He is crazy in love with us and wants to see us succeed.  All He asks in return is for us to be crazy in love with Him back, and worship Him and give me the glory He deserves.  Not an easy task for us, especially in our American culture, but it's the least that we can do!  

LT Reunion

So, last night there was a little LT reunion. Well, at least us Ball Staters had one. It would be kind of a long drive for a two hour reunion for the VT kids and WVU kids. It was really fun. Laid back. It was really nice to be reminded of all that God did for all of us over the summer. Especailly after these past few days, which have been really difficult, it was good to be reminded and encouraged of how good God is.

My mom is getting ready to go on a mission trip it Haiti on Saturday. She'll be there for a whole week. That sounds so long! Not really, but I am worried about her. Carl said it was kind of cute, the daughter being worried about mom instead of the other way around. I shouldn't be worried, I mean, she's going with a group in which, there are at least 3 people who have been there several times before, and others in the group have been there at least once. They'll watch out for her, but I'm still scared for my mommy!

So last night I had this whole list of things that I wanted to blog about, but for the life of me, I cannot remember what they are. I guess that's what I get for getting kicked out of the library. It closes at 3am, and I was there until 3 last night working on homework and various reading assignments.

....

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Ah! I remember something! A friend and I are doing devotions once a week together. Well, I guess it's more of a book study at this point. We're going through the book King of the Jews. It's a book about Jesus and putting Jesus in a Jewish light, because he was, after all, Jewish. In our culture and day and age, people tend to forget that little tid-bit. It's been absolutely fascinating reading this book about just how Jewish He really was. About how different things that seem so ambiguous to us today, made PERFECT sense the the Jews that actually listened to Jesus speak, and knew the cultural references He was using. My friend and I are sharing a book borrowed from another friend, and we're not even half-way through it, and he's ordered a copy for us to keep for ourselves, it's so good! Once we get our own copies, I plan on reading through the book again and underlining and making notes on what's really stuck out to me, which is a lot!

Well, that's it for now! Over and out.

Quick update...

So, there've been several things that have happened since my last update, and at the moment I cannot recall all of them. Even if I did, I don't think I would be able to sufficiently express everything that's going on as I only have about 15 minutes before I need to go.

In a nutshell, two of my really good friends got married this weekend! It was a really emotional wedding, but it was good because I got to see a lot of people that I haven't seen in a long time.

A friend and I are going to started to devotions together in an attempt to help each other, build each other up, and give each other some insight and thoughts that by ourselves, we would not have been able to come up with. To start, we are going to try to study the Old Testament in more depth in order to put the New Testament in context. We have both grown up in the church and are very familiar with the NT, and for me at least, the NT gets really old when you hear the same passage over and over and over and over again, so I really think that by being more knowledgeable with the OT, it will make the NT come alive again! I'm excited about it, and I think my friend is too!

Another friend of mine has introduced me to the world of the Heorot(sp?), which is a bar downtown, but not a club-ish bar. It's really fun, and I'm enjoying it so far!

Well, I think that will suffice for now. I'll try to get back on and update further, and give the anecdote's a fuller context and better explain the story, but knowing how I blog, I can't guarantee anything! Let me know if there's anything you need prayer for!

Love

Turning on God

I was doing devotions tonight starting in Jeremiah.  I've been wanting for a long time to do a study on the Old Testament.  I think it'll make the New Testament come alive.  Having been raised in the church, there are some passages that I've heard more times than I care to count and when I read or hear them again, I get in this mindset of "I've heard this all before, there's nothing more I can get out of it..."  It's a hard mindset to get out of, but I think if I'm more familiar with the OT, finding new things in those passages will be much easier.

Jeremiah chapter one was encouraging.  It's basically the call of the prophet Jeremiah, hence the name of the book, and a basic summary of what I'm assuming the rest of the book will be.  There were several verses that had sayings that I've heard many many many times, but never really read in context or given a second thought.  Verses 5, 8, 10, and 19 really stuck out.

Chapter 2 was really different.  It dove right into the anger and frustration that God felt toward His people for abandoning Him.  What was interesting was that around verse 32, the tone and mood shifted from one of angry frustration, to one of hurt, and pain.  God was hurt that His people, whom He had brought out of Egypt and given so much to had turned their back on Him.  And who could blame Him?  The shift in tone made me think of all the times I've turned my back on God.  It gave me one of those pangs in my stomach that happen only in times of extreme regret.  Makes me want to be very intentional about staying close to God and not falling or drifting away, and turning my back on Him.  

In order to do that, I need to have a stronger, and more consistent prayer-life and quiet time.  My prayer life has improved tremendously since LT.  I feel like I'm in almost a constant state of prayer.  When something goes on I don't like, I don't hold it in and let it fester, I pray about it, and then if the need is still there, I talk to someone about it.  Quiet times, on the other hand, are slightly more difficult, but just as necessary.  During prayer time, it is mostly me talking to God.  While He can respond in a number of different ways, comments by other people, epiphanies, a certain song coming on the radio or my iPod, and so on, one way that God speaks to me a lot, is through scripture.

It's so easy to forget all that God's done for us.  In order to not take His mercy for granted, we should also be very intentional about watching for what He does for us on a daily basis.  This is difficult, I know, but as we practice it more, it will happen.  I'm trying to make a habit of whenever something good happens, or some kind of a breakthrough that I've been working towards, to give God the credit for it.  This not only keeps Him central, and makes sure that He remains first and foremost, but it also keep my humility in check.  Even though I no longer live in a pit of self-hatred, I still know that no good thing that happens is solely because of me.  If anything, it had nothing to do with me, but God's love and mercy coming to my rescue.

In closing, please be praying that I can remember to watch for God's working in my life, and also so that I can be a blessing to those around me.  I would also like to ask that you remember my family in Detroit area.  I do not know the person, but one of the people up there committed suicide, and I know several people who are now dealing with the aftermath of that.  Let me know what you need prayer for!

A lesson in patience

A lot's been going on these past two weeks with the influx of school and all that comes with it... homework... schoolwork... drama... meetings... and so on.  As I was sitting through my first few days of classes, I realized how stressful this semester will be.  Especially since I will be trying not to be so lackadaisical about my work, but actually strive for excellence.  This semester would be stressful just doing the minimum, but actually doing my best is going to be extremely difficult.

The situation with my roommates seems to be improving... kinda.  I don't think I've really written much about my roommies on here, but suffice to say that the relationship with them is complex.  There's almost always drama of some sort going on, which is one of the reasons last year was so difficult.  One thing I am going to try to do differently is that, when something bothers me, to talk about it.  To get it out in the open as soon as possible and not let it fester for days/weeks/month's sometimes.  Hopefully that will help things.

Last Sunday I started helping out with the sound team at Revo.  It was kinda scary, I felt like a little kid playing with very big, very EXPENSIVE toys that could easily break.  It turned out okay though.  There were a few people who knew what they were doing, so that helped out a lot.  I think it'll be a good experience.

There is one thing that has stuck out in my mind as far as things I've learned over the past week(ish), and that is patience.  I think that God is working through the fruits of the spirit with me, found in Galatians 5.  Over the summer, he taught me about love.  Loving others, loving Him, loving myself, then, with that love, I learned about joy, and also, the peace that comes with walking with God.  Now, He's working with me on patience.  This is the hardest one yet.  The other day, however, I had an epiphany, that is that patience is not necessarily waiting for God, or someone else to do something, but it is trusting God, that He knows what He's doing, and that He has the best interests for me in mind.  That's a big lesson, and a painfully obvious one, you'd think.  I don't necessarily think that I'll get through all the fruits of the spirit, or that if I do, I'll never struggle with them again, but I'm glad that God is doing what He's doing.

Well, I think that's it for now.  Let me know how I can be praying for you!

Picturing God as a caped super-hero...

These past two or three days have been somewhat of a silent struggle.  The buzz of LT is definitely gone, (I think I mentioned this in my previous post) but I'm continuing to fight for the joy I received during LT.  I've never really thought about fighting for joy, but I guess it does make sense.  The way I think of it at least, I've always thought of joy as a choice.  It's not an emotion like happiness, so, it's also a lot more stable.  It will be there no matter what the circumstances are around you.  

So, back to the past few days... I've felt myself slipping back to the person I was before LT.  Always depressed, or at the least, fighting depression, feeling down about myself, blaming myself for everything that goes wrong, not thinking that I'm worthy of love from anyone.  Today it was getting bad, so, as a solution, I made a conscience effort to spend an extended quiet time with God.  I started off like I usually start my quiet times, just sitting silently, giving God a chance to speak to me, or lay something on my heart to bring to Him.  Then I just started crying out to God, asking Him to take away what was causing me to slip back to the person I was.  I went through the cycle of asking Him to comfort me, take away my stumbling block, and/or otherwise be with me several times when I finally picked up my Bible and started reading in Psalms.  Specifically Psalms 18.  I read the whole chapter, but it was verses 1-19 that really stuck out.  This is the part that David first talks about how much he loves God, then he cries out to Him, asking for help.  The next part depicts God in an almost superhero light... swooping down from Heaven, and shaking the very foundations of the earth in order to grab David out of his troubles, and out of his enemies reach, and places him on safe, solid ground.

When I read this passage, I picture God setting in His throne room in Heaven, being pampered and worshiped by angels and other beings I can't even begin to describe, and He hears a cry, that only He can hear, and immediately, He jumps up from His throne and shoves angels, and other beings out of His way, leaves Heaven, and with a look of angry determination, He swoops down to Earth, spewing fire, and lighting, so much so that every body of water on earth is vaporized.  Somehow, David, or me, whoever I picture at the moment, in this case me, remains unscathed.  He reaches down and grabs me out of the muddy, murky, water that still remains and holds me close to His chest.  He then gently sets me down on safe, solid land and tells me how much He loves me.  I love verse 19 in this passage.  The English Standard Version puts it this way:  "He brought me out to a broad place; He rescued me because He delighted in me."  Even though I don't normally like the Message translation, I also looked up that passage in that version as well, and I also love verse 19 in the Message:  "He stood me up in a wide-open field; I stood there saved, surprised to be loved!"

Being the visual person that I am, I loved this section.  Psalm 18:1-19.  Whatever you're doing right now, you should stop it, and read this passage.  I promise you, you won't regret it!

Back Home in Indiana

I've been back in Indiana for a few weeks now, bouncing back and forth between Anderson and Muncie.  (They are only about  1/2 an hour away from each other, so therefore, I am able to do that.)  Anyway, it's been a mixture of emotions being back.  I don't think it really hit me that LT was over until Kristy, Ellie and I pulled into Muncie.  It was kind of surreal.  It's been nice to see my family and my friends that did not go to LT, but I do miss my friends at VT and WVU.

The LT buzz is kind of wearing off, but I'm really trying and praying to keep the joy that I found at LT going.  I'm trying to stay strong in my walk with God and remain focused on him.  It's been harder here than it was at LT, but that's no surprise at all.  I'm hanging out with more people than just my roommates this year, which I think will make things easier.  At the same time though, there are days when I don't know if I can make it another year in Winderemere.

Today is one of those days.

I'm going to try to get back in the habit of blogging and journaling.  Hopefully with my blogs you'll be able to tell there's a difference in me, and also be able to keep me accountable on the things I say.  That's it for now.  Let me know how I can be praying for you!  Love

Wow, I've really been sucking at this whole blog thing...

But, in my defense, I've only had access to the internet about once a week, if even that, and when I do, I only have about an hour in which I use to attempt to catch up on news and other peoples lives rather than update my own.

Only about two weeks left of LT, and the thought of that really makes me sad.  I don't want to go back for a handful of different reasons.  One of which is the fact that I know a lot will change when I get back, and it's not going to be easy.  I would like to ask for your prayers and support through this.  I know that people will probably get angry at me, and I'm afraid that I will lose the willpower, the fire and the passion that I've gained while at LT.  I'm afraid to go back.  I don't want to go back.  It would be nice if everyone I miss, could come down here to live.  We could go to UNCW and finish our degrees, or work at various hospitals or companies down here.  In all reality though, I know that won't happen.

On a happier note, I still am in love with LT.  I have not lost the wonder and amazement of living on the beach, and I'm still as taken away by it as the first day I was here.  The people who were strangers to me when I first arrived are now close friends and even family.  We are a family that will be torn apart all too soon.  My relationship and my faith in God has grown inexplicably stronger while being in the place.  I can honestly say now that when I pray, worship, or otherwise enter into His presence, he is there.  I can feel Him there, not just with emotions, but in a way deeper than emotions.  My growing relationship with Him is positively effecting my relationships with other people, and even my relationship with myself.

Coming down there, if I were to describe myself in one word, I would probably have said "broken".  I felt as if I were broken into many many pieces, scattered all over the floor, unable to put myself back together.  Now, I would describe myself as "restored".  While there are still cracks, God has graciously gathered the spread out pieces and put them back together in an even better arrangement.  I'm still me.  But I'm an improved me.  I'm not perfect, or better or worse than anyone else, but I'm an improved version of the person I was before LT.  The decision to do LT was certainly one of the best decisions I've made in a long time.  I just hope I can continue to develop the habits I've started down here into a lifestyle that is worshipful and pleasing to God.  I want to be someone described as "a woman after God's own heart", and after this experience, I think that I'm closer to being that woman.

So again, I ask you for prayer, support and encouragement, especially when I get back home, because I will need it.  Thank you so much and never be afraid to tell me how I can pray for you!

Week 1 of LT

So last week, the day finally arrived that I left the midwest for the summer, and went to the east coast!  Specifically, Wilmington, North Carolina.  I'm actually not staying in Wilmington, but in a smaller town just south of it called Carolina Beach.  It's incredible so far.  I'm in an ocean front beach house!  Yeah, OCEAN FRONT!  The atlantic ocean is seriously in my back yard!  I love it!  For the past week, I've been going to bed to the sound of the waves crashing onto the shore instead of my iTunes playlists!  

Spiritually it's a little different however.  Since high school, I've felt very spiritually dry, and that God is very distant from me, and so far, this continues to be the case.  I've been doing a lot of journaling, and the mindless writing, that is, writing without thinking about what I will write about before hand, has brought a lot to light.  There are several things that I didn't realize that I believed until I just wrote it down before I could talk myself out of it.  I would love to talk to one of the staff members about it, but I'm not sure who.  I definitely don't want to talk to the other students about it very much.  Mainly because of my trust issues with students, which makes the fact that I don't want to talk to a BSU staff member really weird.  If at all possible, I'd like to talk to one of the V Tech or WVU staff members.   I don't know.  It's mainly about my 8+ year dry spell.  My dry spell has been thrown into sharp light this past week.

On the first day of LT, everyone was sent on a prayer walk, asking God the question; "What would you like to do with me this summer?", or a question similar to that.  The assignment was actually to pray about the answer if God were to ask us the question "What would you have me do for you?", but is the same thing basically.  The answer I kept coming up with was "I'm going to work on your faith... faith... faith"  I kinda fought it at first because I thought there were so many other things God could work on besides my faith, but then as I thought about it, I realized, pretty much all the issues I've been dealing with, are either directly, or indirectly faith related.  Last night (Thursday night), during service (kind of a church service) we had a speaker named Jim Pace who hit the nail on the head when he closed his sermon with the phrase "This summer, God want's you to say 'yes' to faith, and 'no' to fear".  Scary, I know.  

For the rest of the summer, I'm trying to keep my mind open, and my expectations low.  I'm afraid of being disappointed about it when I leave, but I don't want to keep God from doing what he wants to do this summer.

Leadership Training

For the past few month's I've been doing some hard core support raising so I can participate in a program my church does called Leadership Training.  I'll be living and working full-time in Wilmington, North Carolina, while ministering to people in the community, getting to know a group from my own church on an entirely new level and getting to know a group from a sister church at Virginia Tech for the first time.  I'm really nervous, but I'm also really excited!

So far, support raising has been going well.  I've sent out almost 40 letters to various people I've known from church, school, family and other various organizations and activities I've done, and I've received mostly yeses from these people and even some checks already!  It's been an incredibly humbling experience.  I hate asking for help, especially if I'm asking for money, but it's been very helpful, and I've learned a lot about people, about myself, and about God.

As I said earlier, I'm nervous about this summer, but I'm also extremely excited to see what God has in store for me!

Bitten by the grouch bug

So I've been kind fo a grouch today.  Don't really know why besides teh fact that pissed off has been my normal state of being for the past few weeks.  Why am I writing about this on a blog as opposed to my off-line journal I write my oober personal stuff in?  Well, mainly because I know certain people read this blog and I wanted to apologize to them if I've been overly grouchy to them. In BDubs today, if I was grouch to you, I'm sorry.  At the party tonight, if I was grouchy, I'm sorry.  This morning, if I was grouchy, I'm sorry.  In the car, if i was grouchy, I'm sorry.  If there's any other time I may have been grouchy, I'm sorry.  If I have been, and even if I haven't been, come talk to me and let me know.  There's prolly something I'd like to talk about.  There's a lot of my mind and it'd be nice to vent to someone who could respond to me besides a neutral computer screen.

Eh, why not?

So, I'm finding that I'm giving in more and more to Google.  I think I'll try out Blogger for now.  I have a xanga that I post more regularly on, but what I'll prolly do is just copy and paste my blog on xanga to here.  I don't know, maybe I'll decide I don't like this one at all, and I'll stay on xanga, or maybe the opposite will happen, I decide I really like Blogger and ditch xanga.  Only time will tell I guess.