There's so much I want to say, but I don't even know where to start.

What is reasonable to ask for in a friend? What are the qualities that make someone trustworthy? When do you say enough is enough, and cut the ties?

A few weeks ago, I was ready to end one of my closest friendships because of factors outside of both of our realms of control. I just couldn't take it anymore. I had a letter written, revised, and rewritten, and was about to give it to this person.

Out of the blue, another one of my closest friends comes to me and says she mad at me. She won't tell me why, just that she's mad. Both of us are extremely busy, and so we couldn't really talk at all until late that night. Even then, it was online. The talk did not go well. We both said things that hurt the other, and in the end, all ounces of trust, at least on my side, were gone. Broken. In the matter of a day, I went from being really good friends with the person, to not friends at all.

So now, back to the person I was going to intentionally end the friendship with... I couldn't do it. I couldn't lose two of my closest friends like that. Since that incident, the person I was going to give the letter that ended our friendship, has become my closest, and my most trusted friend. My "best friend" per se, even though I despise that title and don't generally give it to people.

In a normal situation, I wouldn't think anything of this. But this is not a normal situation. My closest friend is a guy, which would be fine if I had other close friends who were girls. Unfortunately I don't have other close friends that are girls. There are girls that I want to open up to, and let them in, but I hold back, and build my walls up even higher, and even thicker, wondering, if I let them in now, and let them see the not-so-pretty-parts of who I am, how will they use that against me later on? How will they use weaker areas of who I am to use, manipulate, and trample all over me for their own gain? Then leave me beaten, broken, helpless and alone?

I guess I should be glad that I have someone that I trust, and can talk to about how stuff is going, and not have to make it flowery, or candycoat it. Male or female, not everyone has that. And don't get me wrong, I love this person's friendship, and I'm not going to give it up easily. I value this person's opinions, thoughts, the little ways he helps me out when I need an extra boost, his friendship overall. Even with his friendship though, I find myself holding back, for fear of how I may be hurt later on.

How is that stories written several thousand years ago are still relevant and helpful today?

There have been several blogs that I have written in the month since my last post, but for one reason or another, I have deemed them too personal to publish.

A lot has been happening. Well, maybe not a lot, but enough to make the last month a long one. The most notable issue, being the loss of one of my best friends. I'm not exactly sure what happened, suffice to say that we got in a pretty big fight, and hurtful comments were thrown around on both sides, so no, I am not completely innocent in the situation. Nevertheless, my trust in this person has been broken.

I thought that because of that situation, my trust issues, and my walls were going to come back with vengeance, and that I would have an even harder time trusting people, especially girls, which is already a huge struggle I have. The trust issues, did come back, but not in the way I thought they would. I thought it would be women in general I would have a hard time trusting, but instead, it was the people I had already let in. The people who had already earned my trust that I had a hard time believing they would not use that trust and confidence against me.

This past weekend was Revo's annual Women's Retreat. This year, the theme was "Breaking Down Walls". Ironic, I know... I didn't really know what to expect going into this retreat, or if God would even show up, but as God seems to like to do, he proved me wrong. Leah Chandler talked about Joshua, and the toppling of the fortress city of Jericho. We focused on Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

During our quiet time on Saturday before lunch, I continued my devotions in Genesis. I'm reading about Joseph now, which is a story that I am intimately familiar with, but I read anyway, despite the temptation to skip over it. That day I was reading about when Joseph was in Potipher's house, and was framed by Potipher's wife, who was accusing him of attempted rape. Of course, Potipher threw Joseph in prison.

I was thinking about what Joseph may have been thinking about in that underground prison... how every time he hits a new low, as soon as things look up, the new low reaches even lower. Think about it, he had been taken by his brothers, thrown in a pit and left for dead, then they brought him out only to sell him into slavery. He was purchased by an Egyptian, and as soon as Joseph had gained the Egyptians trust, the wife falsely accuses him of trying to sleep with her, then he's thrown into prison! I can just picture Joseph praying to God in that cell "Where are you? Why did you allow this? Why is this happening?" because we know, Joseph didn't go to Sunday school with us, he doesn't know what's going to happen next, and the position of power he will soon be in. All he knows is that his family betrayed him, is employer/owner threw him out, and now he's sitting in a deep, dark, damp prison in a foreign land, wondering what's going to go wrong next. I can just see God, whispering in His infamously still small voice... "I'm not done with you yet, I'm still writing your story, just trust me and don't give up... be strong and courageous..."

I was amazed at how this story, that I've heard since I was a little kid, could still effect me and help me this much. As hard as the past few weeks/month's have been, I'm going to try to be strong and courageous with God's help. I'm going to trust that he's still writing my story, and I'm not going to give up.