EQT - 7/6/09

What do I expect when I do EQT? Why do I always fee like they are dry and that I am watching the clock waiting for it to end? Whenever I start EQT, I always do into it with the hope/expectation of connecting with God. What does that mean? How do you know when you have "connected" with God? How can you make it happen? I have always found it very hard to connect with God, because I connect with other people primarily through touch. Hugs. Pats on the back. Rubbing arms and shoulders. Gentle knocking or something as you pass by and so on. God is not a physical being. Or at least, He chooses not to manifest Himself in such a way. There have been so many times that i have longed, and yearned for God to apperate beside me or something, and let me climb on to HIs lap and just cry. There have been other times that i've been in the kitchen cooking or walking down the road or something and I've wished, almost painfully at times, that He was walking beside me, talking to me, knocking His shoulder against mine. Hitting arms/hands as they swing with each step. Not matter ho much I long for that, however, I don't think it will ever happen. Now, back to my original thought: What do/should I expect to get out of EQT? I almost always leave feeling, at least somewhat, refreshed, but at the same time, disappointed. I want more than just refreshment. I'm not necessarily saying that I want a huge epiphany every EQT, but I do want connection. This goes back to the earlier dilemma of how do I connect with God and what does that even look like? Should I be happy/content with just feeling refreshed? Is it even okay that I am longing for more? How will I even know the answer? Will I ever know the answer?

Reality Calls

So, it's finally happened! My dreams since I was a kid are finally coming to fruition! I am in a rock band! The name of the band is Reality Calls!

Right now, we're mostly doing covers of songs by other bands, although we do have one original, and several more in the works.

Reality Calls is a christian band, but I don't see us being a christian band like Michael W. Smith is a christian artist. I see us being a christian band more like Anberlin, or Lifehouse is a christian band. That is, that you can tell by their lyrics and the members that all the individuals are christians, but we don't necessarily come out and say "we are a christian band".

That being said, I don't want the fact that we don't announce our Christianity, be an excuse to not live holy lives. Now, I'm not saying we have to be perfect, but as individuals, and as a group, holding each other accountable, we should strive to be Christ-like, as we are called to be in scripture. At shows and other places, how we act and carry ourselves, will have just as an impactful testimony to what we say on stage. The two, actions off-stage and verbal announcments on-stage, should complement and reinforce each other.

I see Reality Calls as being modern day Psalm writers. People I've talked to have already heard this little speach, but I would like to write it down again. If you read through the book of Psalms in the Bible, it is like reading through King David's (and any and all other authors of the 150 chapter book!) personal journal. There are some passages that praise God and lift Him up and worship Him for all around to see. At the same time, there are other passages that question His goodness, His intentions, His love for the writer, and the nation of Isreal as a whole. I want show's, and eventually (hopefully) albums to express that! I want people to leave gigs, be them at bars, churches, or someplace in between, thinking "that band is a band of Christians, being a Christian is not always easy, but God loves them, He loves me, and it's worth it!" I want our music, our shows, ourselves, and our message to be a ray of hope to people who feel like they have none, and to those who do have the hope we speak of, I want it to be an encouragement for those people to share that hope as well.

Within ourselves, I would love it if we all became best friends. That we held each other accountable to living biblically, that we can discuss questions, and be real to each other. Then when we get together and hang out, we all know that it's a safe place to be ourselves. That everyone will be accepted, and not judged, but at the same time, that they will be pushed to be better. And by better, I mean, more like Christ.

These might all be some lofty ideals, but I don't think they are bad things to strive for.

Journal Entry from 5/2/09

Psalm 121

This is a Psalm of encouragement to those making a journey to Jerusalem. A lot of parts in it really reverberate with me. The opening verses (1-2) are lines in one of my favorite Casting Crowns songs "Praise You in This Storm". The verses are: “I lift my eyes up to the hills. From where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, who made the heaven and earth.”
When I read those verse my mind immediately went to that song, and it continues to play in my head. Whenever I hear that song, it first makes me think of the winter of 2006, when I was at my lowest as far as depression, because that is when I first heard it. After that, I think of all the low times when I started praising/worshiping God, whether it be by that song, some other song, or by completely different means, and God has pulled me out of whatever mire I was in. (Wow! That was a long sentence!) The most recent time being these past few weeks.
About 3 weeks ago, I did what I was thinking and praying about doing for a while, and that was giving [a friend] the letter asking him to not talk to me for a couple weeks so I could put my focus back on God and not on him. My prayer before and during that time was for God to show me that He is worth sacrificing my best friend for, and that He would also send other people my way so that I could spend them with them instead of being along. Particularly girls. I needed God to send me girls and speak to me through girls.
Frankly, I did not think God would grant either of those requests. I thought I would have to just grit my teeth and trudge on by myself, so when He did grant my requests, I was very surprised! I was also incredibly humbled and had to start worshiping with even more fervor and earnestness. (Is that even a word?)
The other time I am thinking of happened this past week. Early in the week, I lost my flash drive. The is the week before finals and all my projects and big assignments are due! Losing the flash drive was a huge setback! The assignment I needed it the most for was my portfolio which was due on Wednesday. Tuesday I started compiling everything again the new stuff I had done was backed up on my iLocker account, so I didn’t have to start completely over from scratch. Regardless, of that fact, I was super stressed out. During the day, I found that I was able to calm down and focus more clearly when I heard/listened to worship music. So, when I got to the library, that’s what I did. I started a Pandora station based on the worship music of the band Hillsong. As the night went on, I spend the night trying to remember to praise God, worship Him and thank Him for all He’s done. I did not get to sleep that night, but I was able to get my portfolio done!

The 2nd part of this Psalm is just as impactful as the 1st two verses. The past part repeat, in different ways, how God “keeps” Israel. The ESV notes sas that the original word for “keep”; Shamar, translates to keep, guard, watch over, attend to carefully. I thought this was really cool and kind of gave me montage image of what God’s protection tool like. To me, it has a similar feel to Romans 8: 38-39, where both talk about a specific attribute of God and compare it to all these different things. They are both passages that, for me at least, get me pumped, and motivate me and also help me remember why I follow the God that I do. I read through the 2nd part of Psalm 121 and replace “keep” with one of the synonyms and this is what I came out with:

He will not let your foot be moved;
He who guards you will not slumber.
Behold He who watches over Israel,
Will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is your guardian;
The Lord is your shade on
Your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.

The Lord will guard you from all evil;
He will attend to you carefully all your life.
The Lord will watch over
Your going in and coming out
From this time forth and forever more!



Cool!

So, the other day (Tuesday) I did something I have not done in a long time... I took a leap of faith, with little to no assurance that God would catch me, or at least provide a soft landing for me to land on. I made an attempt to get rid of an idol in my life which required cutting off one of my closest, and most valued friendships. I'm hoping this is just a temporary hiatus, but to be completely honest, I don't know how it will turn out. Again, this is where faith comes in.

Before I go any further, I guess I should define "idol" or the verb form "idolize" just so we are all on the same page. I think of an idol, or the act of idolizing something, as habitually putting that thing before God on your priority list. Pursuing God, seeking His will, and giving Him glory should be number one on our priority list, and if something consistently, or habitually comes before that, that item has become an idol. God's will, is His perfect plan for my individual life, as well has humanity as a whole. We have the option to not follow His will, and often have to actively seek out what His will may be, hence the need to pursue Him, and ask Him to reveal it. Giving Him glory is essentially giving God credit for anything beneficial that happens, and acknolowedging that whatever good outcome comes out, not of our own wisdom or intelligence, but His guidance and support when we need it. There are more definitions that I'm sure could be covered, but for now, I'm sure that will suffice. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask!

So, back to the reason for this post, my leap of faith. At some point, I can't say exactly when, my best friend became an idol to me. The only way to make something not an idol anymore, at least to my knowledge was to cut it out. I debated for a while and decided that the best thing to do was send this person an e-mail explaining what was going on, what I was going to do to fix it, and what I needed that person to do as well.

Still, even though I knew what I needed to do, I was still scared. But little things kept pointing to the need for me to tell this person what was going on, including he, himself, telling me to do what I knew what God was "telling" me to do (even though at this time he had no idea what that was or what it meant).

So, Monday night, in a fit of tears, I told him in a text that I was "going to do it. I was going to act out in faith, but I [didn't] think he would like what that [meant]" After a confused response from him, I assured him that I would explain everything in an e-mail the next day.

The e-mail I sent him was a long one, and I mean loooooooooooooong.  In it, I was completely honest and laid everything out on the table.  I told him what I had been doing as far as putting him before God, and what I was going do to fix it.  I also told him what I needed him to do.  I was really scared this whole time, and still am to some degree, that he was going to be really hurt, and/or upset about this whole deal.  Also, I was, and am still worried about losing my best friend.  I sent it to him not really knowing what to expect, just hoping that God was going to pull through for me.

Immediately after reading it, he sent me an IM saying thanks (why, he said "thanks" I'm not really sure....) and that he would send me a response later.  When I finally did get a reply, I had no idea what to expect.  I was hoping that he wasn't hurt, or overly upset about what I was going to do, and he didn't seem too offset.  He seemed surprised, yes, but not hurt and not angry.  As long as my email was to him, his response to me was even longer.  In it, he seemed very supportive and assured me that he would talk to some people (as I requested him to do so) and that he would pray for me, that God would draw me nearer to Him.  I was really glad to hear that part.

Now was the whole issue of God coming through for me.  There had been times before where I felt I had made a leap of faith, counting on God to help me through it, and I felt like He didn't.  (See my post The Power of Prayer)  Well, this time, He really has been pulling through for me.  There have been several requests I've fervently presented to Him, one of which has been to remind me that He's worth sacrificing anything/everything in order to follow Him, that includes friendships, as painful as that may be.  I've also been asking Him for female companionship, and to help me open up to other girls about what's going on.  Fortunately, He's been answering both of those requests, and more that I don't have time, or can't remember exactly what they were.  There have been several times, when I've wondered if what I'm doing is worth it, and I'll hear something on the radio, or a song or read something that reminds me of the majesty of God, how much He loves us, how big he is, or something like that.  There's also been several times when a girl (one of my girl friends) just happened to bump into me when I really needed that companionship.  Like yesterday, I was up on the 4th floor, where I NEVER go, and of of my girl friends from Revo happened to be up there too, and we talked for a while and it was great.  Last night I hung out with another friend for a while, which helped a lot, then spent some more time in the library until my AIM date with another friend.  (The AIM date is not a girl, but is one of my closest friends who no longer lives in the country.)  So yeah, there's a lot more I could say about how God is really pulling through for me, but I honestly cannot remember them.  I guess that means I really need to journal more so I can remember these things!

What's the deal here?

I'm seriously starting to wonder if there's something really wrong with me. There's a line in a Jars of Clay song called Jealous Kind that goes "I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar/Than be broken by a love I don't understand..." I never really understood that line until last year when I was struggling with SAD and dealing with the self-esteem issues I've harbored since I was a kid. Now it seems that with every new struggle I encounter, that line becomes deeper and deeper with meaning.

Why do I cling to what hurts when I know what I need to do to alleviate the pain? I feel like God has been showing me all sorts of reasons why I need to change what I'm doing, but I still can't seem to find the motivation to do so. I see girls around me struggling with the same issues, and I know that if I'm going to help them, I need to deal with my own issue. Take the log out of my own eye so that I can better help others with the speck in theirs, if you will.

I want to go into full-time ministry eventually. I probably won't be for another several years, 3-4 to be more exact, but still, if I'm going to go into ministry for the specific purpose of helping and discipling the young women in my church, I need to have the discipline to handle my own heart, heart issues, and romance issues. I feel like if I want to go into ministry, I shouldn't be struggling with the things I struggle with on a day to day basis. Struggles such as guarding my heart and setting emotional boundaries, doubting God's love for me and for humanity as well, my apathetic attitude toward God Himself, my doubt of the power and influence of prayer, just to name a few.

Tonight is weird because I'm not as depressed as I would be had what happened tonight happened last week or something. I'm finding that as long as "the boy" treats me like something other than a friend, I'm fine with the situation. But when we don't interact, talk, hang out as much, or when he generally doesn't treat me the way he normally does, is when I get down about stuff. Right now, I feel like things are going well. We are friends, and I'm fine with that. I'm glad I didn't give him the letter I almost did ending our friendship because, honestly, I value it. At the same time, I know that I'm playing with fire. I'm being an idiot, but I don't want to stop. With the exception of my mom, pretty much everyone I've been talking to about the situation, I've been pulling away from. There are various reasons for that which I won't delve into just now, but hopefully soon. Nevertheless, the fact that I've been talking to them less, has not helped. Maybe they are pulling away from me... I can't say I would blame them. If I were in their shoes I probably would too. I just wish I would have the desire, discipline, or motivation to do what I need to do. It certainly doesn't help that the more isolated I become, in that the more I drift away from other people, the closer I get to him.

What's it gonna take? Why can't I be fine just being friends? Why do I want something more? Do I always want what I can't have? What's the deal here?

I think the most confusing thing is that tonight, even though we didn't talk much at all, we both studied and were rather productive, I'm not down in the dumps that he didn't pay much attention to me. I kinda feel guilty that I wasn't more productive, but overall, tonight was a good study night.

One thing that would help tremendously is if I made plans with other people at night. Because that's when I see him the most. The problem is, not many people are night people. Especially this time of year when school is going on. The thought of class looming in the morning hours only a short time away, is enough for most college students to get to bed before 3:30 in the morning. Maybe if there was a study party or something... Something to keep me busy, and not with him... I don't want to ask people to change their schedules around for me though... I'd almost rather destroy myself than ask others to inconvenience themselves by helping me.

Broken

Whether or not I can say this and still keep my dignity intact, I'm not sure, but I really like the band Lifehouse, particularly this song, Broken. I think the video is a really good example of how oblivious people are to others around them. The lyrics are great because it of how it portrays how crazy things can get all the time, and how people second guess everything, and realize how fragile people are.

The second verse, I can especially relate to. "The broken locks were a warning/You got inside my head/I tried my best to be guarded/I'm an open book instead." So many times I try to be guarded, and don't let everyone see everything that's going on inside me, but because I'm not very good at setting emotional boundaries, what usually happens is that I will either not let someone in at all, or I give them an all-access pass, and I never shut up. Either that, or I don't let anyone in at all, and hold everything in, until everything spills over the threshold of my inner bottle.

The chorus seems like a prayer I could offer to God just about everyday. To me, it portrays a hurting, broken person trying to hang on to the last shred of hope they have... God.

I guess this song could be categorized as a modern-day Psalm. Yeah, I'm sure it's been flowered and romanticized to some degree, but more than that, it still has the feel of honest desperation, and not wanting to give up hope.

There's so much I want to say, but I don't even know where to start.

What is reasonable to ask for in a friend? What are the qualities that make someone trustworthy? When do you say enough is enough, and cut the ties?

A few weeks ago, I was ready to end one of my closest friendships because of factors outside of both of our realms of control. I just couldn't take it anymore. I had a letter written, revised, and rewritten, and was about to give it to this person.

Out of the blue, another one of my closest friends comes to me and says she mad at me. She won't tell me why, just that she's mad. Both of us are extremely busy, and so we couldn't really talk at all until late that night. Even then, it was online. The talk did not go well. We both said things that hurt the other, and in the end, all ounces of trust, at least on my side, were gone. Broken. In the matter of a day, I went from being really good friends with the person, to not friends at all.

So now, back to the person I was going to intentionally end the friendship with... I couldn't do it. I couldn't lose two of my closest friends like that. Since that incident, the person I was going to give the letter that ended our friendship, has become my closest, and my most trusted friend. My "best friend" per se, even though I despise that title and don't generally give it to people.

In a normal situation, I wouldn't think anything of this. But this is not a normal situation. My closest friend is a guy, which would be fine if I had other close friends who were girls. Unfortunately I don't have other close friends that are girls. There are girls that I want to open up to, and let them in, but I hold back, and build my walls up even higher, and even thicker, wondering, if I let them in now, and let them see the not-so-pretty-parts of who I am, how will they use that against me later on? How will they use weaker areas of who I am to use, manipulate, and trample all over me for their own gain? Then leave me beaten, broken, helpless and alone?

I guess I should be glad that I have someone that I trust, and can talk to about how stuff is going, and not have to make it flowery, or candycoat it. Male or female, not everyone has that. And don't get me wrong, I love this person's friendship, and I'm not going to give it up easily. I value this person's opinions, thoughts, the little ways he helps me out when I need an extra boost, his friendship overall. Even with his friendship though, I find myself holding back, for fear of how I may be hurt later on.

How is that stories written several thousand years ago are still relevant and helpful today?

There have been several blogs that I have written in the month since my last post, but for one reason or another, I have deemed them too personal to publish.

A lot has been happening. Well, maybe not a lot, but enough to make the last month a long one. The most notable issue, being the loss of one of my best friends. I'm not exactly sure what happened, suffice to say that we got in a pretty big fight, and hurtful comments were thrown around on both sides, so no, I am not completely innocent in the situation. Nevertheless, my trust in this person has been broken.

I thought that because of that situation, my trust issues, and my walls were going to come back with vengeance, and that I would have an even harder time trusting people, especially girls, which is already a huge struggle I have. The trust issues, did come back, but not in the way I thought they would. I thought it would be women in general I would have a hard time trusting, but instead, it was the people I had already let in. The people who had already earned my trust that I had a hard time believing they would not use that trust and confidence against me.

This past weekend was Revo's annual Women's Retreat. This year, the theme was "Breaking Down Walls". Ironic, I know... I didn't really know what to expect going into this retreat, or if God would even show up, but as God seems to like to do, he proved me wrong. Leah Chandler talked about Joshua, and the toppling of the fortress city of Jericho. We focused on Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

During our quiet time on Saturday before lunch, I continued my devotions in Genesis. I'm reading about Joseph now, which is a story that I am intimately familiar with, but I read anyway, despite the temptation to skip over it. That day I was reading about when Joseph was in Potipher's house, and was framed by Potipher's wife, who was accusing him of attempted rape. Of course, Potipher threw Joseph in prison.

I was thinking about what Joseph may have been thinking about in that underground prison... how every time he hits a new low, as soon as things look up, the new low reaches even lower. Think about it, he had been taken by his brothers, thrown in a pit and left for dead, then they brought him out only to sell him into slavery. He was purchased by an Egyptian, and as soon as Joseph had gained the Egyptians trust, the wife falsely accuses him of trying to sleep with her, then he's thrown into prison! I can just picture Joseph praying to God in that cell "Where are you? Why did you allow this? Why is this happening?" because we know, Joseph didn't go to Sunday school with us, he doesn't know what's going to happen next, and the position of power he will soon be in. All he knows is that his family betrayed him, is employer/owner threw him out, and now he's sitting in a deep, dark, damp prison in a foreign land, wondering what's going to go wrong next. I can just see God, whispering in His infamously still small voice... "I'm not done with you yet, I'm still writing your story, just trust me and don't give up... be strong and courageous..."

I was amazed at how this story, that I've heard since I was a little kid, could still effect me and help me this much. As hard as the past few weeks/month's have been, I'm going to try to be strong and courageous with God's help. I'm going to trust that he's still writing my story, and I'm not going to give up.

The Power of Prayer

Over the past few days/weeks/month's I've been thinking a lot about the power of prayer. While I know that there is great power in that simple act, I can't deny that sometime's it's hard to really believe it. I've seen first hand how powerful prayer can be, especailly when you have many people coming together in unity to pray for a single thing. At the same time, for every prayer that I've seen answered in ways bigger than I ever could have imagined, I've also seen many MANY smaller prayers, and smaller requests, simply go unanswered. I've been asking myself of late; Do I really believe what I say I believe about prayer? Am I truely conversing with the Almighty? The Orchestrator of the universe? The Sovereign and All-knowing? The Passionate Lover of me?

I've seen God work. I know He influences individuals. I, myself, have experienced His power in an extreme physical healing, and have seen Him heal others.

At the same time, I've seen Him seemly turn a cold shoulder to the needs of some. Fervant and persistent prayers seem to go unanswered. What do I say to this? What do I say to my friend who's struggling with something that, despite faithful prayers, doesn't seem to get any better?

In my head, I know all the right answers I'm supposed to tell myself when I wonder these things, but do I really believe them, or am I just making excuses for God?

Do I really believe all that I say I do about the power of prayer?

More thoughts on Capital Lights

Upon further analysis and conversations about the one of my new favorite bands, Capital Lights, I think a major reason I like them so much is because much of their album is ANGRY!  And not just any kind of angry, it's angry at romance!  And relationships!  It's bitter, and cynical, and in some parts, really depressing in it's attitudes towards romance.  I LOVE IT!  Perhaps because of my dealings with romance, or lack thereof.

The musical style is punk/pop, which I don't hate, but don't normally gravitate towards.  I think this should be further evidence that I am more drawn to lyrics in music, than the music itself.  The beat, or melody may initially get my attention, but unless the lyrics are good, or in this case, relatable, I will lose interest fairly quickly.  Anyway, that's all I've got.  I hope you go to youtube or something and check Capital Lights out.  Listen, really listen to the lyrics on the song "Outrage".  You'll get what I'm saying.

Mile Away

I'm a mile away from where I belong and I'm a mile away from home
I'm lying awake at the thought of you gone, and I'm a mile away from home

On top of the world he thought, let down when he hit the spot
dead stare in the mirror as he drove
Had room for warming up, he got cold feet so he had to run
to a city with a history of love
knowing she relies on me but I'm on my way to an unpredicted fall
feet under the covers now, lips sealed tight till I hear a sound
the sound of a soon redeeming call

Now I know I never dreamed to be a movie star but I'm hiding in the Hollywood hills 
I've learned regret from a cowards mouth wouldn't let her know how I feel
Held up and I'm stuck in line, can barely get around on the 405
headed downtown in a half-full automobile
now but deep inside I see the light, I'm a runaway victim left alone
at night though you lay so far, we both stare out at the same old stars 
wishing for direction where to go

Oh but I could never forget the guilty look in your eyes at the end
I walk the line like a merry-go-round, thought I learned but I lost you again
And all at once if the world stops spinning maybe you could let me in
Oh but I could never forget the guilty look in your eyes at the end

Wow, I didn't even realize that it's been about a month and a half since I've posted on here.  I really should work on updating more often.  There have been a lot of things that I've thought about posting on here in the past month and a half, but I've talked myself out of it because of the things being way to personal to post online for anyone in the world to see.  There are several people that I know for sure who read my blogs, and those are generally the people that I wouldn't mind reading my personal thoughts, because I would like their insight on them, but I don't know who else reads it, and I don't want anyone and everyone to know anything and everything that is going on in my head.

So, one thing I can write about that's not oober personal, is the song lyrics posted above, and the album from which they came.  The song above is called Mile Away and is probably one of my favorite songs on the album This is an Outrage by the band Capital Lights.  This band is a fairly new band, they've done some other stuff under different names that I have not heard, but according to various internet sites, the style is very different.  I really like the album This is an Outrage.  It's a fun album to listen to, but upon closer examination of the lyrics, one would find much deeper feelings and meanings hidden beneath the upbeat musicality.

On another note, I miss all my Muncie people.  It appears that there will be no meeting for Revo this Sunday morning which makes me very sad.  I'm excited to get back and see everyone again!