The Biggest Loser

I'm sitting here on my couch watching the my first episode of Biggest Loser with my mom and I wish that my mom weren't here watching it with me.  Not because of any resentment on my part towards her, but because for a lot of this episode I'm having to fight back tears, and I just don't like crying/showing a lot of emotions in front of people!

I'm finding that I can really relate to a lot of people on this show.  I've never watched it before so I don't know this is a normal thing, but a lot of them are struggling as much mentally as they are physically.  A lot of them are fighting thoughts of hopelessness, and despair, and discouragement that have kept them from getting healthy until now.  Now all (or at least some) of the mental issues that they've kept bottled up and covered up with food for so many years are on Prime time television for everyone in America to see.



I've been overweight my entire life.  In 3 month's I turn 24.  I go to the gym on a regular basis because I meet with a trainer who kicks my butt for about 30 to 40 minutes twice a week.  I'm trying to get in the habit of going to the gym 2-3 times additionally after work, and now that I'm working first shift, that should be a lot easier than it was a few weeks ago.

The mental block I need to, and am trying to get past is that going to the gym around 5 times a week won't make a difference.  That the encouragement my trainer (who also happens be a close friend of my family) gives me is shallow, empty, and disingenuine because that's what his job is.  He's paid to kick my butt, encourage me and make me think he has confidence in my abilities to get healthy. 

I fight the mentality losing weight and getting healthy will solve all... most... some of the issues and problems going on in my life right now, but I'm not going to lose weight so none of it will make a difference and I'm going to be depressed, underemployed, and alone for the rest of my life.  All because of my weight.

The other day I posted this tweet and weight loss is one of several things I was thinking about when I tweeted it.  It's hard for me to trust because I don't know what's going on.  I don't know what the plan is, and when I don't know what the plan is, I tend to not to anything.  Even typing that out sounds weird to me because, while I do like to have a plan, I don't always like that.  I tend to operate best when there's a plan, but there's flexibility in that plan.  I don't know why I felt like I had to point that out, but I did.  Oh well.

Maybe I should try to get on Biggest Loser.