There's so much I want to say, but I don't even know where to start.

What is reasonable to ask for in a friend? What are the qualities that make someone trustworthy? When do you say enough is enough, and cut the ties?

A few weeks ago, I was ready to end one of my closest friendships because of factors outside of both of our realms of control. I just couldn't take it anymore. I had a letter written, revised, and rewritten, and was about to give it to this person.

Out of the blue, another one of my closest friends comes to me and says she mad at me. She won't tell me why, just that she's mad. Both of us are extremely busy, and so we couldn't really talk at all until late that night. Even then, it was online. The talk did not go well. We both said things that hurt the other, and in the end, all ounces of trust, at least on my side, were gone. Broken. In the matter of a day, I went from being really good friends with the person, to not friends at all.

So now, back to the person I was going to intentionally end the friendship with... I couldn't do it. I couldn't lose two of my closest friends like that. Since that incident, the person I was going to give the letter that ended our friendship, has become my closest, and my most trusted friend. My "best friend" per se, even though I despise that title and don't generally give it to people.

In a normal situation, I wouldn't think anything of this. But this is not a normal situation. My closest friend is a guy, which would be fine if I had other close friends who were girls. Unfortunately I don't have other close friends that are girls. There are girls that I want to open up to, and let them in, but I hold back, and build my walls up even higher, and even thicker, wondering, if I let them in now, and let them see the not-so-pretty-parts of who I am, how will they use that against me later on? How will they use weaker areas of who I am to use, manipulate, and trample all over me for their own gain? Then leave me beaten, broken, helpless and alone?

I guess I should be glad that I have someone that I trust, and can talk to about how stuff is going, and not have to make it flowery, or candycoat it. Male or female, not everyone has that. And don't get me wrong, I love this person's friendship, and I'm not going to give it up easily. I value this person's opinions, thoughts, the little ways he helps me out when I need an extra boost, his friendship overall. Even with his friendship though, I find myself holding back, for fear of how I may be hurt later on.