I'm watching Pursuit of Happiness right now for the first time and I can't help but think that happiness is as elusive as it is overrated.

I really have no where else I can rant except for on here, and I have to be honest, I have no idea who, if anyone, reads my blogs, and there are some people that I want to read it because I want their prayers and encouragement, but I'm afraid to seek them out for whatever reason.  There are some that I don't care if they read my blogs.  And there are some people that I don't want reading my blogs because I'm embarrassed at what I have to say and I don't really have the ability to block or filter them from my blog.  To be honest, I don't even know if the people I don't want reading my blog reading my blog.  That is why a lot of times, I will write a blog, then a short time after-wards I will take it down, in hopes that someone that I wanted to see it, saw it in the short time it was up and public.


It's almost 5 on Friday.  I haven't eaten since Wed and I'm not hungry.  I feel like crying but I've cried so much over the past few days I don't think I can anymore.  I want to feel angry and lash out, but I have no one to be angry at or last out towards except myself and my own idiocy.  At the same time, I feel nothing.  I don't feel sad, or angry, or upset.  Just nothing.  Neutral.

Actually, I'm starting to cry now, but it's because my mom is wanting me to go have dinner with her and my dad, and I don't want to go, not because I don't want to spend time with them, but because I don't want to eat in front of anyone and the possibility of showing emotion in public terrifies me.

Why do I even blog?  I blog because I want to talk to someone, and I want to know someone cares enough to reach out to me, but I'm afraid to initiate.  I blog for all the wrong reasons.  I blog for attention.