It's been a rough few weeks. I'm not really sure what all to say about what's going on suffice to say that I've been feeling alone, almost abandoned at times, and it's been really hard for me to honestly share what's going on with people around me. When I do, three things happen. Before I share with someone what's going on in my head, I'm terrified. I'm terrified at the very notion of sharing, of letting someone in and being vulnerable with another human being who may turn around and hurt me. While I'm sharing, it feels good. Yeah, there's some lingering fears still, but mostly, it's nice to actually let out what I've been holding in to the point of explosion, it feels like. After sharing, I feel doubt and anxiety. I'm afraid I shared too much. I'm afraid that the person/people I shared with are thinking "wow, she's making a huge deal out of nothing". Or "wow, she's one of those people who is out to get attention and sympathy wherever she goes". Or "wow, this is juicy, we'll have to store this information away so we can use it against her later!".
I know I'm not the only one who has a hard time letting people in. For some reason, I still feel the urge to defend my fears by saying that all three of those things has happened to me before. Each by someone I thought was a close friend. Not all the same person, necessarily, but each of those things has happened when I opened up and let someone in to know my secrets.
Some secrets, huh? I'm posting them on a blog for all to see.
Last Sunday I opened up to 3 different women about the situation I've been dealing with over the past few weeks. The first one, I had never met or spoken with before. We just started talking after the morning church service and BOOM after a few minutes, word-vomit. The door was opened (I don't remember exactly how) and the floods just came pouring through. She was great though, very understanding and sympathetic (see, there I go, seeking sympathy...) and when I was done, she shared with me about her life and the difficulties she's been dealing with. The fact that she shared too, not only what she's been dealing with, but also her insecurities and fears about sharing, (which oddly enough, were very similar to mine!) made me feel a lot better. Made me feel not so alone, or unreasonable for feeling the things I feel.
Later, after the evening service, I also opened up to her sister, and her mom. I would not have said anything to them but her mom asked me how a certain thing in my life was going, which opened up the floodgates once again, and everything kinda spilled out again. AGAIN!!!! Why can't I keep my mouth shut and keep my problems to myself???? After all, that's why they're called "my problems" right? I could tell the three women were related though, because these two I talked to were also great. Supportive and understanding. I was going through the same story again, that I went through with the first girl, with mom and sister, and the first girl walked behind them. I thought to myself... "great, she knows my fears, she hears me sharing again, she must think I'm out to get attention... wonderful..."
There are some friends who I feel bad for because, since they are the only ones that I've been open with through this whole thing, they get it all. No filter. Overload. I'm sure they are sick of hearing the same sob-story again and again.
I need help. I don't want to ask for it, but I need help. I need prayer and encouragement, but I'm afraid to ask for it for fear that I'm asking too much. That I'm weak. That I'm frail. That I'm needy.
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