Usually it's at night that the loneliness stings the worst. Today, however, it seems like everywhere I turn I get a reminder of how alone, unaccomplished, and insignificant I feel. I know that people weren't meant to live life alone. That we were meant to live in community. In close-knit circles with other people. If that is so, why are relationships so messy? I'm not talking about romantic relationships. I'm talking about friendships. Relationships with co-workers. Family. Why is it that in time of need, at least in my case, I can't necessarily speak for other people, when I need community, relationships, and people the most, that I pull back from people, and keep them at arms length? Wouldn't it make sense that if being with other people was a natural remedy for loneliness, heartbreak, and a whole slew of other things, that it would be natural and easy to reach out? Why the heck is it not???????
Today in Sunday School we were talking about prayer, and How Christ is an example for prayer. We talked about honesty in prayer, when/how is the best time to do it, and the vital importance of prayer. How prayer is a source of strength. It's our food, you could say, spiritual food required for growth.
I've never really understood prayer. I've never understood the point of it, or why it is so important. All I know is that for some reason, God wants us to pray. This mentality was addressed in SS this morning, but I can honestly say, I've thought this way for years: God is sovereign and will do whatever He wants, regardless of whether or not I pray. The series on prayer we're going through has been helpful, though.
The morning church service, though, was painful, to put it lightly. The pastor was recognizing the high school graduates in the congregation. Which is good, they should be recognized, graduating is a big deal. It was painful, though, because he kept talking about the next four years of college, and all the choices that will have to be made. Choices about careers, life, relationships, and family. He kept talking about "finding your mate" in college, and I just wanted to scream every time he did. (I should point out, I'm not angry at the pastor for saying those things, I was just very frustrated as he kept talking about several things that I've been dealing with over the past month (and longer for some) as if they were no big deal.) As if the four years spent in college is plenty of time to figure those things out. But here I am, 2 years out of college, AND I'M NO WHERE I'D LIKE TO BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wanted to tell the graduates that all the answers in life won't be answered in college. That they will change their majors several times, not graduate in four years but more likely 5 or 6, that even after they graduate they won't find a job in their chosen field because no one cares about education, they only care about experience, and that they will get hurt more times than they will be able to count! As much as I wanted to say those things out loud, I thought it better to keep it to myself. Either that, or I was just too much of a chicken to say it out loud.
So yeah, all in all, I'm glad I went to SS this morning, but I wish I had plans or something that I had to leave for which would have prevented me from hearing the sermon. I can't really believe I'm still planning on this, but I do intend to go to the evening service. Maybe that one will be better.
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