One Year Anniversary of Graduation

But you wouldn't be able to tell a thing.

On July 25, 2009 I graduated from Ball State with a BS in Apparel Design.  Even before graduation, I had decided that my degree was just that... b.s.  Not only is the job market ABYSMAL for fashion designers, but about half-way through my senior year, I decided that I hated my degree.  I didn't like designing, I wasn't crazy about sewing and the whole fashion industry was not something I wanted to get seriously involved in... even if I wanted to, it would be really difficult for a fat girl to make it very far in an industry so obsessed with skin-deep beauty.

I really thought that, given a year, I would have made more progress in life than I have.  I thought that I would be living somewhere other than my parents house, working full-time, have more healthy relationships with people, and be healthier overall.  Even if not all of those things were going to happen, I would at least think I would be working more and be at least somewhat healthy physically.


I feel like in all those areas, I've severely backslid.  I'm living in my parents basement - yes, I'm that kid that's 20-something years old, living in their parents basement mooching off of them.  I'm still working part-time for barely above minimum wage, even though I really thought that by now I would get that much deserved raise and promotion (at least I think I deserve it, but that's a whole different story in itself.  The nutshell version can be found here.)  I think this is probably the loneliest, or one of the loneliest stages of life I've experienced yet, be it self-induced loneliness, where I'm just pushing people away, or if people are drifting apart on their own as they are actually maturing and growing up and beginning new life-stages.  Probably a mixture of both.  With all this going on, apathy about everything has been intensifying in my attitude and outlook on things, and that's effecting everything, and most noticeably my physical health.  I'm trying to care about my health and force myself to actually get to the gym and work out, but I just don't care enough to.  My attitude is very much "what difference will it make?  Nothing's going to change..." (And that thought process has spilled over into much more than just physical health.  I've become very pessimistic and cynical about much more than just working out.)

All in all, I'm just not in a very good mental place right now, and to make it worse, I don't really care to try to change that.

I miss community, I miss connection, I miss being close to people and having healthy friendships - if I've even ever had "healthy friendships", come to think of it, I'm not even sure what a healthy friendship looks like.

I didn't want to graduate when I did, I wasn't ready intellectually or emotionally, and even though I feel much more "intellectual" now, whatever that means... I still don't think I'm emotionally ready to have graduated and started a life on my own.  That's probably one of the reasons I'd like to move somewhere else.  Just completely surround myself with new people (ideally with a few people I already know!), new job opportunities, new everything.  It would force myself to live on my own and support myself.

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this, just kinda venting I suppose.