Friendship

These past few weeks I've been participating in a program called "21 Days of Friendship" through a website designed to help women meet and make deep and meaningful (platonic) friendships.  I have to admit, at first I was kinda embarrassed to do a program like that, I mean, friendship should come naturally right?  If you have a hard time making friends, then obviously there is something wrong with you - or so I thought.  Yesterday I drove back home from a vacation in Minnesota where I met some friends I've known on Twitter for quite a long time, but had never met them in person.  On the 12 hour drive back, I was listening to the audiobook The Hiding Place.  I'm still not quite done with the book, but it's already left a huge impression on me and how I view circumstances and people around me.

What Helps Negativity. For Me at Least.

I've always been very prone to depresive thinking and thought patterns.  By nature, I've always been fairly negative and cynical, though I try to keep those traits at bay and channel them into being discerning and analytical.  One thing I've noticed about myself, as well as other people, is that when people are down, stressed, worried, or else, one thing that always seems to help is validation.  I know with me, I always try to brush off things that are going on as no big deal.  Sometimes this works, but not usually.  Someone telling me that it's okay to be upset at what's going on, is golden!

Now, I can't necessarily say that everyone else is like that, but I would venture to say that a lot, if not most women, are.  Men, I know handle things like that differently and I haven't quite cracked what helps them in times like that.  But knowing that it's okay to be upset/angry/stressed/sad about stuff helps a lot.  It also helps when people tell me they are praying for me and offer me encouragement.  If someone is like me, they aren't very good at offering encouragement.  If you can't be encouraging verbally, however - touch works WONDERS!

One night this week I was really upset, and one of my friends texted my mom to tell her.  She knew I was upset but didn't realize the degree.  I was going to bed but called me in her room and I lied down on the bed with her for a while, and she curled up closer to me and started rubbing my back and head.  Just the touch was probably as helpful as anything she said, and my mom has a gift of encouraging people!

So yeah, if you know someone (particularly a woman, and particularly me, I guess!) if you see that she is upset, listen to her, and be honest, but let her know it's okay to be upset.  Touch her arm or her back.  I find light back rubs and head massages to be some of the most relaxing and comforting things someone can do!  Pray for me.  Pray with me if you can.

Kind of a random post, but I was thinking about it a lot over the past few days and just wanted to get it out.

Church this morning.

Usually it's at night that the loneliness stings the worst. Today, however, it seems like everywhere I turn I get a reminder of how alone, unaccomplished, and insignificant I feel.  I know that people weren't meant to live life alone.  That we were meant to live in community.  In close-knit circles with other people.  If that is so, why are relationships so messy?  I'm not talking about romantic relationships.  I'm talking about friendships.  Relationships with co-workers.  Family.  Why is it that in time of need, at least in my case, I can't necessarily speak for other people, when I need community, relationships, and people the most, that I pull back from people, and keep them at arms length?  Wouldn't it make sense that if being with other people was a natural remedy for loneliness, heartbreak, and a whole slew of other things, that it would be natural and easy to reach out?  Why the heck is it not???????

Today in Sunday School we were talking about prayer, and How Christ is an example for prayer.  We talked about honesty in prayer, when/how is the best time to do it, and the vital importance of prayer.  How prayer is a source of strength.  It's our food, you could say, spiritual food required for growth.

I've never really understood prayer.  I've never understood the point of it, or why it is so important.  All I know is  that for some reason, God wants us to pray.  This mentality was addressed in SS this morning, but I can honestly say, I've thought this way for years:  God is sovereign and will do whatever He wants, regardless of whether or not I pray.  The series on prayer we're going through has been helpful, though.

The morning church service, though, was painful, to put it lightly.  The pastor was recognizing the high school graduates in the congregation.  Which is good, they should be recognized, graduating is a big deal.  It was painful, though, because he kept talking about the next four years of college, and all the choices that will have to be made.  Choices about careers, life, relationships, and family.  He kept talking about "finding your mate" in college, and I just wanted to scream every time he did.  (I should point out, I'm not angry at the pastor for saying those things, I was just very frustrated as he kept talking about several things that I've been dealing with over the past month (and longer for some) as if they were no big deal.)  As if the four years spent in college is plenty of time to figure those things out.  But here I am, 2 years out of college, AND I'M NO WHERE I'D LIKE TO BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted to tell the graduates that all the answers in life won't be answered in college.  That they will change their majors several times, not graduate in four years but more likely 5 or 6, that even after they graduate they won't find a job in their chosen field because no one cares about education, they only care about experience, and that they will get hurt more times than they will be able to count!  As much as I wanted to say those things out loud, I thought it better to keep it to myself.  Either that, or I was just too much of a chicken to say it out loud.

So yeah, all in all, I'm glad I went to SS this morning, but I wish I had plans or something that I had to leave for which would have prevented me from hearing the sermon.  I can't really believe I'm still planning on this, but  I do intend to go to the evening service.  Maybe that one will be better.

Here comes the word vomit...

It's been a rough few weeks.  I'm not really sure what all to say about what's going on suffice to say that I've been feeling alone, almost abandoned at times, and it's been really hard for me to honestly share what's going on with people around me.  When I do, three things happen.   Before I share with someone what's going on in my head, I'm terrified.  I'm terrified at the very notion of sharing, of letting someone in and being vulnerable with another human being who may turn around and hurt me.  While I'm sharing, it feels good.  Yeah, there's some lingering fears still, but mostly, it's nice to actually let out what I've been holding in to the point of explosion, it feels like.  After sharing, I feel doubt and anxiety.  I'm afraid I shared too much.  I'm afraid that the person/people I shared with are thinking "wow, she's making a huge deal out of nothing".  Or "wow, she's one of those people who is out to get attention and sympathy wherever she goes".  Or "wow, this is juicy, we'll have to store this information away so we can use it against her later!".

I know I'm not the only one who has a hard time letting people in.  For some reason, I still feel the urge to defend my fears by saying that all three of those things has happened to me before.  Each by someone I thought was a close friend.  Not all the same person, necessarily, but each of those things has happened when I opened up and let someone in to know my secrets.

Some secrets, huh?  I'm posting them on a blog for all to see.

Last Sunday I opened up to 3 different women about the situation I've been dealing with over the past few weeks.  The first one, I had never met or spoken with before.  We just started talking after the morning church service and BOOM after a few minutes, word-vomit.  The door was opened (I don't remember exactly how) and the floods just came pouring through.  She was great though, very understanding and sympathetic (see, there I go, seeking sympathy...) and when I was done, she shared with me about her life and the difficulties she's been dealing with.  The fact that she shared too, not only what she's been dealing with, but also her insecurities and fears about sharing, (which oddly enough, were very similar to mine!) made me feel a lot better.  Made me feel not so alone, or unreasonable for feeling the things I feel.

Later, after the evening service, I also opened up to her sister, and her mom.  I would not have said anything to them but her mom asked me how a certain thing in my life was going, which opened up the floodgates once again, and everything kinda spilled out again.  AGAIN!!!!  Why can't I keep my mouth shut and keep my problems to myself????  After all, that's why they're called "my problems" right?  I could tell the three women were related though, because these two I talked to were also great.  Supportive and understanding.  I was going through the same story again, that I went through with the first girl, with mom and sister, and the first girl walked behind them.  I thought to myself... "great, she knows my fears, she hears me sharing again, she must think I'm out to get attention... wonderful..."

There are some friends who I feel bad for because, since they are the only ones that I've been open with through this whole thing, they get it all.  No filter.  Overload.  I'm sure they are sick of hearing the same sob-story again and again.

I need help.  I don't want to ask for it, but I need help.  I need prayer and encouragement, but I'm afraid to ask for it for fear that I'm asking too much.  That I'm weak.  That I'm frail.  That I'm needy.

It's nice to know I have a strong audience online.

I'm watching Pursuit of Happiness right now for the first time and I can't help but think that happiness is as elusive as it is overrated.

I really have no where else I can rant except for on here, and I have to be honest, I have no idea who, if anyone, reads my blogs, and there are some people that I want to read it because I want their prayers and encouragement, but I'm afraid to seek them out for whatever reason.  There are some that I don't care if they read my blogs.  And there are some people that I don't want reading my blogs because I'm embarrassed at what I have to say and I don't really have the ability to block or filter them from my blog.  To be honest, I don't even know if the people I don't want reading my blog reading my blog.  That is why a lot of times, I will write a blog, then a short time after-wards I will take it down, in hopes that someone that I wanted to see it, saw it in the short time it was up and public.

Dirty Rags

    [6] We have all become like one who is unclean,
        and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment.
    We all fade like a leaf,
        and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away.
 (Isaiah 64:6 ESV)

But we are all as an unclean [thing], and all our righteousnesses [are] as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away.
(Isaiah 64:6 KJV)

All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away.
(Isaiah 64:6 NIV)

These verses do not paint a pretty picture.  They make us out to be trifle, easily disposed of, the epitome of disgusting, all because of our incredible depths of sin.

The Greek word used to describe filthy rags, or polluted garment is actually referring to specifically a "menstrual cloth", or as we might say in our day - a dirty tampon.

For years I struggled with picturing this verse or understanding what it was actually saying.  I pictured myself, or someone, a generic human, presenting the best they had to offer God, which was a used pad, and I honestly couldn't comprehend it.  How could that be the BEST someone could offer?  Surely there was something better?  The person, or I would present the bloody cloth to God, while looking down, red-faced, and absolutely ashamed that this was the best they could offer, but God, for whatever, inexplicable reason would accept it, and this, for whatever inexplicable reason, accept me.

The Biggest Loser

I'm sitting here on my couch watching the my first episode of Biggest Loser with my mom and I wish that my mom weren't here watching it with me.  Not because of any resentment on my part towards her, but because for a lot of this episode I'm having to fight back tears, and I just don't like crying/showing a lot of emotions in front of people!

I'm finding that I can really relate to a lot of people on this show.  I've never watched it before so I don't know this is a normal thing, but a lot of them are struggling as much mentally as they are physically.  A lot of them are fighting thoughts of hopelessness, and despair, and discouragement that have kept them from getting healthy until now.  Now all (or at least some) of the mental issues that they've kept bottled up and covered up with food for so many years are on Prime time television for everyone in America to see.

Why isn't Jesus Enough?

This is something I've been thinking about for a long time, but wasn't sure how to write about it in a way that didn't come across as me complaining about being lonely, because I feel like I do that all the time.  (Though probably not as often as it feels like to me because looking over all the blog posts I've written, most of them never get published, which is why there is usually such a long time between posts!)

In the duration of church hunting, I've realized just how easy it is to lose touch with community and the body of Christ, as well as just how much they are needed.  Starting in Genesis we find that man is not meant to be alone, and never, in scripture (save a few examples) do we find people who are habitually by themselves.  People lived in communities for survival, both physically, and especially in the New Testament, spiritually.

Sexual Frustrations - Note, this post is rated PG-13

But not the kind of sexual frustration that first popped into your head!

What did Jesus save me from?

I have grown up in the church and therefore, don't have a dramatic conversion story of Jesus saving me from drugs, alcoholism, a life of miserable promiscuity, abusive relationships, and so on.  This past week, a radio station, I'm sure many are familiar with, K-LOVE, posed the question to its readers, "What did Jesus save you from?" with a challenge to take a photograph of yourself with a sign saying "Jesus saved me from [fill in the blank]!"  Usually contests like this make me roll my eyes and move on without much consideration, but this one really made me think about what Jesus had saved me from.

All the time I hear stories about how Jesus saved individuals from the things mentioned above, but what did He really save us from?  Jesus didn't promise a life of peace and prosperity here and now - in fact, He promised the opposite.  He said that he came to turn brother against brother, father against son, and mother against daughter.  He promised suffering, and pain.  He promised hardships.

Why do Calvinists and Arminians hate each other?

Okay, so maybe hate is a strong word, but you can't deny there is a tension between these two groups of believers.

When you put a bunch of Christians in a room together, a lot of disagreements can occur, but few will be as heated as the argument of predestination (Calvinism) or free-will (Arminianism).  The doctrines themselves are a big deal, granted, but I wonder if they are a big enough to get as worked up about them as people do.

I have a few ideas as to why this may be so.  The biggest is how people who believe these different doctrines view and think of God.  Calvinists tend to see God as sovereign and majestic, sometimes at the expense of loving and gracious, and Armenians vice versa.  Another thing that tends to differentiate between the two camps is how church is run.  The former camp is usually much more structured and traditional, and the latter is more commonly more flexible and changing.  Calvinists also are more known for sticking to older and more traditional beliefs  while Armenians can keep the same beliefs, but are often coming up with different ways to explaining them.

Romans 8:1-5

There is therefore now, no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, for the Law of the spirit of life has set us free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.  For God did what the law, weakened by flesh could not do.  By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who walk not according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.  For those who walk according to the flesh set their minds on things of the flesh, but those who walk according to the Spirit set their minds on things of the Spirit.

What does it mean to be Reformed?

Over the past several month's, I've been doing a lot of studying, reading, and praying and all that has led to, what I believe, is the truth of Reformed theology.  While I do not by any means claim to be an authority on Reformed theology, I have noticed a few things that seem to distinguish it from other sects of Christianity and religious groups.

I think the first thing to mention when explaining Reformed theology is it's extremely high view of scripture.  Chris Rosebrough of Pirate Christian Radio does a show called Fighting for the Faith.  During a podcast on October 16, 2008, Rosebrough talked about the Material Principle which is defined as the central doctrine a religion adheres to.  He also explained the Formal Principle, which is similar, but is the authority which shapes said doctrine and usually explains where that doctrine comes from. Rosebrough explains that the Formal Principle is usually a text or the teachings of an individual that contains and explains the Material Principle.  I thought I remembered him saying that the material principle of Reformed faith is Sovereignty of God and the formal principle is Sola Scriptura, but the PowerPoint slides say something different - however, Rosebrough is Lutheran, which is slightly different than Reformed, so that may explain it.

Last day at Lane Bryant

Yesterday was my last day working at Lane Bryant.  It was a sad day... a lot went on there that I didn't like dealing with, such as on-call shifts, pushing credit, slacking sales leaders, low pay and scattered minimal hours but despite all that, it really has been my favorite job so far.

One good thing that happened on my last day was I worked with someone, who, I think was my favorite customer to work with at the store.  She came in kinda unsure what she was looking for, but she had a good-bye party her friends and colleagues were throwing her because she was moving to San Diego.  She was looking for an outfit that wasn't too casual, but wasn't extremely formal either.

She ended up buying a dress that looked terrific on her especially after fitting her for a bra, and putting her in a pair of Spanx!  With this one customer, I had the privilege of doing everything that I loved about working at Lane Bryant!  I got to put her in an awesome looking outfit, fit her for a bra, and add the finishing touches of Spanx and other accessories, all while seeing her looks of surprise, and her confidence and excitement grow as we added each piece!

Grandma Visit

So, my Grandma who lives in southern California is visiting the house for a few weeks.  She comes and visits every summer, and it's great to see her, but at the same time, as much as I love her, she does somewhat add to the stress level in the house.

It's nothing that she intentionally does I don't think, she just has a very different lifestyle than we do.  Not that I'm calling her uptight or anything, but she is very much more set in her ways than we are, and we are much more laid back and easy-going, I find, than she is.

One thing that is very important to me and my family is our faith and our involvement in church.  My grandma is of the opinion that if you live a decent life and you do your best to be a good person, (coupled with belief in God) that God will let you into Heaven regardless of other beliefs or lifestyles.  She has concluded that all Christianity is is a list of rules and laws and regulations in order for you to be a better person, and that she doesn't need God to be a good, and upstanding.

One Year Anniversary of Graduation

But you wouldn't be able to tell a thing.

On July 25, 2009 I graduated from Ball State with a BS in Apparel Design.  Even before graduation, I had decided that my degree was just that... b.s.  Not only is the job market ABYSMAL for fashion designers, but about half-way through my senior year, I decided that I hated my degree.  I didn't like designing, I wasn't crazy about sewing and the whole fashion industry was not something I wanted to get seriously involved in... even if I wanted to, it would be really difficult for a fat girl to make it very far in an industry so obsessed with skin-deep beauty.

I really thought that, given a year, I would have made more progress in life than I have.  I thought that I would be living somewhere other than my parents house, working full-time, have more healthy relationships with people, and be healthier overall.  Even if not all of those things were going to happen, I would at least think I would be working more and be at least somewhat healthy physically.

Assurance

How do you know if you're saved? Christ saved the elect (assuming only the elect are saved by the work of Christ) by dying on the cross in payment for sins - but how do you know if you're elect?

We are saved by faith in Christ given to us as a gift through grace. I've heard that phrase and thought the gift was Christ, not faith, now, with further reading and study, I do still believe that Christ was a gift but the "gift" referred to in this particular statement is the faith - God grants people faith as a free gift.  Faith in the work He's already done, through Christ.  (In essence, our faith is a gift, and that faith is in Christ Jesus.)

Faith is the gift, Jesus Christ was the means by which it is given because it allowed God to grant grace. So, if Christ died for the elect and the elect are granted faith because of God's grace, is having faith our assurance for salvation?

In Regard to the Twitter Discussion:

So, the other day I asked kind of a big question and then had to leave and I wasn't able to see/participate in the conversation until much later.  (I still haven't actually said anything about it because things have been kinda crazy around my house!) 

[As transcribed from my journal on 6/19/10 with a few revisions...]

Deuteronomy 9:5 - Not because of your righteousness or the uprightness of your heart are you going to possess their land, but because  of the wickedness of these nations the Lord your God is driving them out from before you, and that He may confirm the word that the Lord swore to yoru fathers to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob.

Many times I hear people object to the character of God, saying He is wrathful, vengeful, hateful etc.  They wonder how Christians can follow a God like this saying he is hardly compassionate, loving and just.  Many times they point to the Torah/Pentateuch  and the conquering of Canaan to justify this claim.  Until now, I've simply not had an answer to response for such claims other than "I don't know".  Now I think I actually have a partial reply to them.

The answer is because the nations being conquered were wicked in the eyes of the Lord.  And when wickedness is present, one of two thinks much take place.  1.) There must be forgiveness, which the price of the evil and disobedience is borne by the accuser (in this case God), or 2.) the evil must be paid for/punished.

We see later in the NT, in Romans specifically, that the wages of sin is death.  Sin is defined as disobedience/going again God's commandments.  Sin can be equated to evil, or in this case, wickedness.  The wickedness had to be paid for by someone.  The Isrealites had the Law to know how to pay for their transgressions - the Canaanites did not, and the Messiah (ie Christ) had not yet come to pay for them Himself.  (He hadn't even been prophesied yet).  So the Canaanites had to pay for their own wickedness with their lives as the wages of sin - ie wickedness, is death.